Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Joined: Dec 2005 Gender: Male Posts: 941 Location: Denver,Colorado
Re: My Crown in Seven Sins Adorned « Result #1 Today at 5:29pm »
I applaud your effort and work on this Michael, coursing through the seven deadly sins, is like one standing in the confessional line at church. One thought came to mind in S2/L3 of "Envy" to replace the word (once ) with the word (thought). It doesn't affect the meter and strengthens L4.
Some of the stanzas' in "Pride" need tightening for clarity. Like S2/L4 left me a little confused as did S3/L3. I suggest, S4/L2 to change the word (my) to (its), and soften S4/L3 to lead the reader towards the coda with; "By the ardent passion our love made whole"
This is quite a remarkable bit of writing and I enjoyed the way each theme was handled.
Marion Poirier EP Elite Club 2000 plus member is offline
Joined: Nov 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 4,078 Location: Boston, MA
Re: Correcting the Precedent « Result #3 Today at 2:04pm »
David, I stand corrected. Whitely is an actual word, should have looked it up first. I've never heard or used it before, very clever, if strange. marion
Joined: Dec 2005 Gender: Male Posts: 292 Location: cornfield county Illinois
Re: Correcting the Precedent « Result #4 Today at 12:40pm »
Hi David--
I too stumbled in S2L2 and 3 but not because of 'walked whitely' the entire two line set is awkward due more to the pauses you have to take... it's tough on the tongue but once the pauses are understood it rolls fine... I will have to whoile-hearted disagree with Marion on poetic license and 'whitely' ... it most assuredly within your poetic license to use such a word... and i do think it's a word... no offense Marion just a difference of opinion!!
I like the metaphor or allegory you use of adam and eve to chastise your movie "date" of her disdain and cynicism... I think this is nicely done david!
Joined: Dec 2005 Gender: Male Posts: 292 Location: cornfield county Illinois
Re: Rebellion Quashed « Result #5 Today at 12:27pm »
Ron-
This is marvelous- you take the mundane of planing a door and turn it into a masterpiece of word and imagery. I am blown away my friend. What a fantastic write and I agree with Rama about the gourmet word choices... rarely do we see a story told with such flare and aplomb.
Joined: Dec 2005 Gender: Male Posts: 292 Location: cornfield county Illinois
My Crown in Seven Sins Adorned « Result #6 Today at 12:11pm »
I.
Lust
Within my care your love becomes a pearl Great price be paid to hold you in my arms And feel the heat set free as clothes unfurl While time and place are captured by your charms
My soul be sold in bond to devil spawn For payment due the life I chose to lead In moments ‘twixt the eventide and dawn That pierce within and prick my heart to bleed
Sweet drops upon your tongue in crimson tint We share the taste of lust pressed lip to lip And join in revelry ‘til passion’s spent Then part, in secret ways from darkness slip
Yet, though the bright new sun on high so shines My thoughts are slave to live the night again I see each move while curve and limb entwines On tablet etched as proof of mortal sin.
Regrets denied no matter what the cost As long as love be free ere time is lost
II.
Gluttony
As long as love be free ere time is lost I eat my fill of your sweet offerings As birds before the first hard winter frost Who while in fields of wheat do gorge then sing
What care have I of fears from future cold When freely is my want fulfilled in deed? Your charms and soft delights shall ne’er grow old And always will they satisfy my need.
While hotly burns my passion deep inside Insatiable becomes my full desire An appetite for glut I cannot hide Despite the dreams my heart will set on fire
My body yearns to suckle at your breast As nourishment to sate my carnal drive Yet, cursed I am, denied eternal rest And forced to lay in sin to stay alive
My lot, so sweet a plight I must endure I would with all my might reject the cure
III.
Greed
I would with all my might reject the cure And hastily reach out my hand for more Ignore the pleas cried out by righteous pure Against the dragon and the sinning whore
My fill, my want, demand their equal share While in the heat I must possess your soul Without regard to will or spoken care And in my lust consume your body whole
I brave to look with love into your eyes Beneath the hurt and quell the salty brine Without apology I claim my prize And take with zest what rightfully is mine
One night is not enough to sow and reap My avarice compels me all the while A week, a month, a year within my keep Your heart be lead astray and soul beguiled
I doubt my yen for more will ever cease My will forfeits all chance to win release
IV.
Wrath
My will forfeits all chance to win release And so condemns us both to life without The means to find a path to joy and peace While giving rise to fear beyond a doubt
Our love be doomed to constant agony A truth held fast in realms of utter pain Though I proclaim a code of chivalry Anger within my soul cannot restrain
When faced with proof your heart has gone astray Figment or truth- I cannot make the choice Convinced of your desire to now betray I hear the lies contained within your voice
Great fear of loss hides deep within the turn What wisdom held within the golden rule? The choice between my life as pure cistern Or drown in dregs of black and poisoned pool
My fear gives way to sin and searing wrath My feet set firm upon destruction’s path.
V.
Sloth
My feet set firm upon destruction’s path I have no wish to turn from evil ways Nor do I want to pause and do the math To count the time I’ve lost in wasted days
Each experience I could ne’er resist My lifetime sinking deeper into vice My spirit dies in cold and dark abyss Yet, rising dies again to pay the price
Though damned I am to live without true love What consequence could change my mind to right? No hope there is to seek from God above As now my soul is kept by endless night.
The time I spent within your arms a dream And spurned it turned into a stark nightmare All things are ne'er exactly what they seem And I by choice refuse to give a care
So then what need have I for mercy kind If in your heart contempt is all I find?
VI.
Envy
If in your heart contempt is all I find I pray my soul be damned to deepest hell There sear my eyes wide shut ‘til I am blind And slice my tongue so I may never tell
The things of which my mind would be resigned I envy you the will to turn your back Upon our love once cherished by design Now just a memory that fades to black
I envy you the way you can move on To find another love to share your life So soon, I’ve yet to realize you’re gone Care you not for my agony and strife?
Be gone and let me die with dignity Before I choke upon my very speech ‘Tis naught that I should gain to set you free Except the welcome grave for which I reach
In striving so your love I feign to hate I covet time and hope it’s not too late.
VII.
Pride
I covet time and hope it’s not too late Though truth be known I think it not my fault At least we share the burden of our fate My crime I failed to honor and exalt
But pride is oft a master of deceit And keeps a man from showing all he feels Mistakes of youth are prone to see repeat While circumstance my doom does daily seal
I curse my pride and all that it has wrought Each time I tried to ask forgiveness sake The words within my mouth release they sought But arrogance sincerity did slake
I must believe my life I still control And can affect the outcome of my course By will or strength of mind our love made whole Or spend my days alone with cold remorse
By death to self-a blossom will unfurl Within your care my love becomes a pearl
Joined: Jan 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 4,482 Location: Thoreau's backyard.
Re: Correcting the Precedent « Result #7 Today at 12:45am »
David,
In the opening stanza, the N talks about plural movie endings before it moves to a singular movie ending.
I get what you're doing but it's a bit awkward.
Acou0le of suggestions for keeping it all movies in general. Althought that would leave you the task of pluralizing from here * down.
You hated movies with a happy ending, Complaining, Happy endings leave me cold. You never dabbed your face for tears descending, nor sniffed contently as credits rolled.
You played the cynic, barking madly while Each couple reconciled,
*...................................and, in a chapel,
A bride-to-be walked whitely/ moved lightly/ down an aisle. You had it good…and still you bit the apple?!
(Referring, I assume, to her as your her meant Eve).
(Interpreting: I know your you meant Eve.)
Is bitterness a choice? Involuntary? Is it an instinct honed to disbelieve The inclination of a man to marry?** Nice rhyming, here!
I like the last two lines, D, but the opening lines in this stanza are a bit muddied.
Although Eve is mentioned above. She doesn't tie into your last stanza.
Adam Incarnate wouldn’t be enraged, Not so intensively his heart would harden. In fact, I think that they remained engaged Despite their difficulties in the Garden.
Later,
Mags
You played the cynic, barking madly while The couple reconciled, and, in a chapel, A bride-to-be walked whitely down an aisle. You had it good…and still you bit the apple?!
Marion Poirier EP Elite Club 2000 plus member is offline
Joined: Nov 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 4,078 Location: Boston, MA
Re: Correcting the Precedent « Result #8 Yesterday at 4:53pm »
David, very good rhymed and metered poem as always. The only thing I stumble on is S2, line 3 that probably does not surprise you. Walked whitely - of course, there is no such word as whitely and even poetic license is too much of a stretch. Also, you don't need bride-to-be as to-be is understood; my suggestion is to rewrite the entire line.
It is never too late to become the person you were meant to be
Joined: Dec 2005 Gender: Male Posts: 2,175 Location: Raleigh, NC
Correcting the Precedent « Result #9 on Jan 4, 2010, 12:16pm »
Correcting the Precedent
You hated movies with a happy ending, Complaining, Happy endings leave me cold. You never dabbed your face, the tears descending, and sniffed contently as credits rolled.
You played the cynic, barking madly while The couple reconciled, and, in a chapel, A bride-to-be walked whitely down an aisle. You had it good…and still you bit the apple?!
(Referring, I assume, to her as Eve). Is bitterness a choice? Involuntary? Is it an instinct honed to disbelieve The inclination of a man to marry?
Adam Incarnate wouldn’t be enraged, Not so intensively his heart would harden. In fact, I think that they remained engaged Despite their difficulties in the Garden.
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