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Joined: Nov 2005 Gender: Male Posts: 3,882
Re: Unseen « Reply #1 on Nov 7, 2009, 12:03pm »
I like your use of color, Marion....black, white, silver....especially the black angel of death....the poem itself is ethereal, seeming like the one who passed has been removed from the treatment facility, and you and he were transformed from the reality of the situation to a dream-like walk through the path to the valley, where he asks forgiveness before transitioning to what lies ahead.
Simplicity makes for an easy read....(I know your propensity to conserve verbiage.)
I like the title for it implies the unkown surrounding death.
"Through the door of meditation, the imprisoned Soul-Bird of Omnipresence was released. It spread its wings of joy and flew over infinite space, casting cool peace-shadows on unhappiness-scorched beings. Then the Bird of Heaven remembered its little cage of past habits, and folding its wings, lodged itself again behind the bars or earthliness......" Paramahansa Yogananda"
Marion Poirier EP Elite Club 2000 plus member is offline
Joined: Nov 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 4,078 Location: Boston, MA
Re: Unseen « Reply #2 on Nov 7, 2009, 8:04pm »
Thank you, Jon for your input - appreciate it. I made a few changes to S3 to leave more to the reader's imagination. I'm glad to see you are still here - sad the way participation has dwindled.
"Are you sure Hank done it this a way?" Waylon Jennings
Joined: Nov 2005 Gender: Male Posts: 2,697 Location: Oklahoma
Re: Unseen, (Revision 5) « Reply #3 on Nov 15, 2009, 11:05pm »
Haven't tried to critique anything in awhile, Marion so forgive the lack of suggestions. I feel the solemn tone of the work. "Huddled' and 'afflicted' give me some pause, but it's probably my lack of reading lately. I agree with Jon about the strong appeal of your colors. They settle the voice in nicely. Ron
"There will come a time when everything seems finished. This will be the beginning." Louis L'Amour
Marion Poirier EP Elite Club 2000 plus member is offline
Joined: Nov 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 4,078 Location: Boston, MA
Re: Unseen, (Revision 5) « Reply #4 on Nov 16, 2009, 11:55am »
Thanks Ron, for the review. Again, it is great to see your work again. You may be right about those two words, Ron. I'm thinking .... Thanks, my friend.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Joined: Dec 2005 Gender: Male Posts: 941 Location: Denver,Colorado
Re: Unseen, (final) « Reply #6 on Dec 18, 2009, 7:17pm »
This is kinda dark, yet lingers in the gray. Methinks S1/ L3 needs to define; "the waiting room" what waiting room? who's waiting room? Suggest "our waiting room" Yes, this poem to pull out of the gray and into the black or darkness needs to fill the gaps of its being.
S2/L1 "An angel in black" Black what? Wings? Scales? Fur? Maybe, its a black angel, or dark angel? Do you see my point? An angel in black, is very vague.
S3/L1 for me has more effect by the arrangement of its language i.e. Robed in purple a priest opened the door; in his right hand a rosary bleeds.
Your last stanza says it all in a true minimalist way.
Marion, you know that I love and respect your work but also know that dark is not your true color without struggle. Do not let the darkness over come thee! I know you can write dark...this is not you. It pales to some of your other works, please do not be offended by my honesty!
peace and love, anthony
"I'm not a Monet, that bananna really is my nose." A bannna smells like a bannana?"
Re: Unseen, (final) « Reply #7 on Dec 19, 2009, 1:24pm »
I really like this perspective. I disagree with antman. I think this angel is vague because it it is not the speakers turn to die. Although living we can come near it, for now God, and Death, must remain "Unseen"
Marion Poirier EP Elite Club 2000 plus member is offline
Joined: Nov 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 4,078 Location: Boston, MA
Re: Unseen, (final) « Reply #8 on Dec 19, 2009, 11:53pm »
Thank you, Anthony, for your comments, always appreciated and have no fear of offending me. The only insulting review is no review.
This said, I think you missed the point; this is not a dark poem at all; it is about death, but I don't believe that death is a bad thing - and I won't quote the obvious.
This poem is surreal and of course not to be taken literally. The waiting room could be called Purgatory or just a place where souls wait before crossing over.
I do not use a lot of explanations or modifiers in my work and the absence of such may be a distraction for you. It is written in simple language, as is my style.
Again, thank you so much for your comments, my friend.
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