sanctus
EP 250 Posts Plus
And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.~FN
Posts: 389
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Post by sanctus on Oct 28, 2008 10:46:10 GMT -5
I want to be new again
like the moon when I can’t see it
and the dust that never settles,
but damn this desire
‘cause I’ve got no time for what
I wish were true
and when I look up, I don’t see
what I want to anyway.
It’s almost a miracle
when I hear “good morning,”
but screw convention in this
beat-up mockery of a city
that showers me with the breath
of idiots and their beasts.
My fast cadence washes out
the nonsense and keeps the smell
from murdering my sanity
like quiet, lazy brush strokes of fear
and lame, half-assed assurances
that nauseate me, filling my bowl
with promises, flowers and cold soup!
Blast me with weapons of imagination
as I swim the soul mechanical,
basking in fluorescence
and incensed with inequality
that drips down faces
like spit on the tracks
that let themselves be ridden.
Take your racist swill
and stuff it in your turkey gut
like thanksgiving for Indians
that would rather thank the sun
then listen to your song-like,
hypocritical mass of bull
that stinks worse than the breath
of idiots and their beasts!
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antman
EP Gold 750 Posts Plus
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Posts: 958
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Post by antman on Oct 28, 2008 20:42:34 GMT -5
Awesome Rant Daniel!
This was a great post for this time of year.
I've nothing to add or take away.
anthony
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Post by Marion Poirier on Oct 29, 2008 11:23:28 GMT -5
Wow! Daniel, this is so different from your usual
sonnets and measured verse. You definitely have
an important message here. From the very disturbing
incidents that have been in the recent news
in spite of past glimpses of progress, what you say is true
and needs to be addressed.
My only pick would be with the title. You have referred
to this so often in the poem that I think something
else is needed for the title. It is an intention getter
but does not add anything to the poem. (I'm
pretty much hung up on titles).
Excellent work, my friend.
Marion
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Post by PantheUs on Oct 29, 2008 23:53:44 GMT -5
interesting
in all yu sin
i laugh out loud
with yu
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Nov 1, 2008 18:25:31 GMT -5
Powerful, Daniel, very powerful; the first stanza is simply excellent. I may agree with Marion on the title though, could be a better one out there. Ron
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sanctus
EP 250 Posts Plus
And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.~FN
Posts: 389
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Post by sanctus on Nov 3, 2008 17:36:16 GMT -5
Thank you for your comments everyone. I agree about the title. I'll need to come up with something better!
Daniel
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Post by bulerias on Nov 3, 2008 18:18:27 GMT -5
The opening line "I want to be new again" truly captured me. Then in the middle you mention the "soul mechanical" and end with the breath that stinks worse than that of idiots and beasts -- very powerful writing, tough and defiant. I think that the original title worked well, at least it worked well with the middle and the end of your poem. But debate over title is not important. I like the way you take the reader through the anguish of seeking renewal, but its elusiveness is overwhelming.
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Post by LynnDoiron on Nov 3, 2008 23:50:26 GMT -5
Daniel, I don't often make it through a rant, but this one is more than mere rant and it carried me right the way through. Such a pace it keeps! Just races along, and the choices you made in words is what allows that rhythm and angst to come through with such impact, I think. What would you think about 'Damn This Desire' for title?
Good read, thanks ...
lynn
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Post by Marion Poirier on Nov 4, 2008 15:26:49 GMT -5
Hi Daniel - I'm glad that you have given the title more
thought; however, I find it bland. It's not an attention
getter IMHO. Titles are very important and no small
detail so I suggest you think about it some more.
The only other pick I found was the line with soul -
too abstract, OVER-USED and would substitute it
for a concrete image or more original concept.
Every word is important in a poem and this one
needs only minimal work to be outstanding.
Very powefiul writing, my friend.
Marion
Daniel, I love the first verse and first line - a suggestion:
Use the first line as the title.
M
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Post by ramadevi on Nov 5, 2008 7:04:18 GMT -5
I agree that this is way more than just a rant! Carefully crafted and powerful, this is highly effective writing. Engaging, in pace, tone and content. I actually found the second half to be even more potent that the first, though both are very strong:
Blast me with weapons of imagination
as I swim the soul mechanical,
basking in fluorescence
and incensed with inequality
that drips down faces
like spit on the tracks
that let themselves be ridden.
Take your racist swill
and stuff it in your turkey gut
like thanksgiving for Indians
that would rather thank the sun
then listen to your song-like,
hypocritical mass of bull
that stinks worse than the breath
of idiots and their beasts!
Awesome phrases.
I like your title change as well.
Is it New York City you speak of? (my home town -sure sounds Iike it)!
Good to read your work again. i have been too long absent~!
Warm regards,
rama devi
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sanctus
EP 250 Posts Plus
And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.~FN
Posts: 389
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Post by sanctus on Nov 13, 2008 10:25:43 GMT -5
Thank you, everyone, for the comments! I'm still iffy about the title and "un-refreshing" is just a stand in until I decide. Marion, good idea about the title, I'll knock that idea around. I don't know about removing anything from the line with soul as it is an intentional play on words that I have personally never read anywhere else. Good ideas as always, thank you. I'm trying to get out from under all this damn work and spend more time writing what I like, not what I must!
Daniel
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Post by LynnDoiron on Nov 13, 2008 13:42:50 GMT -5
Daniel -- Just revisited this one and wanted to echo Ron's praise for the opening stanza. Love the new moon you can't see. Really excellent writing.
In this stanza:
and lame, half-assed assurances
that nauseate me, filling my bowl
with promises, flowers and cold soup!
I wondered about
and lame, half-assed assurances
that nauseate, fill my bowl
with promises, flowers and cold soup!
Probably does something to the meter by omitting the 'me' and the -ing on fill -- but may bring it closer, strengthen the impact . . . ?
How about The Hypocritical Bouquet of Idiots and Beasts for a title?
Good luck with the 'getting out from under' efforts!
lynn
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Post by mfwilkie on Nov 15, 2008 19:10:41 GMT -5
Daniel,
Have been thinking about whether or not to recommend you tighten this a bit.
It reminds me an awful lot of O'Hara's 'Lunch Poems'.
Maggie
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Post by ramadevi on Dec 9, 2008 7:28:24 GMT -5
Whew! Powerful. Poetic. Sweeping intensity that rants against the city and the stink (in the minds of men).
Wise ones praise the sun and give thanks!
in that city, it is a mircale to even get a glimpse of sun or sky.
I loved this. SO well written. No nits at all.
Just applause.
Kudos.
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