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Post by LynnDoiron on Nov 11, 2008 23:22:22 GMT -5
are at play without names
their laughter is the bright lanterns on a carnival night
or flamingos lifting a sky with pink wings su aire es ingrávido azul
they make song from dirt from gum wrapper notes rolled of foil behind bins and power poles on sidewalks cracked by the roots of de árboles
their voices vary and go tag the white walls of houses tap on the windows, spring from the screens
I would ask you to continue dear young and play through whatever comes
let sirens wail on Main Street while your giggles prevail
and mothers and fathers refrain please from calling your children in
I would ask you to tarry longer
Boy with the guitar Girl in the blue soccer jersey Girl with the red-handled jump rope Boy in the untucked white shirt
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Post by syzygy73 on Nov 13, 2008 15:03:32 GMT -5
I love the quiet tone, the colourful images, the painterly quality of the piece- I have one criticism and it's entirely subjective-
I don't like the title nor the use of the phrase 'dear young'
I'd prefer a title that suggest something of the idylls of small town america, and the innocence of children...
no technical nits, a top write.
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Dec 4, 2008 16:59:07 GMT -5
As usual your voice is the breath of poetry and the images clear and alive. I would ask only a comma before "dear young" in line one of stanza six. For some reason I want to continue without pause there otherwise, may just be an Okie thing.
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Dec 4, 2008 17:23:35 GMT -5
I like the intersperal of anglo and latino.....makes this seem like a song to youth.....a paeon if you will. And a plea for the gift of youth to remain eternally.....such a beautiful wish, Lynn. The voices' motion off the walls, et. al. adds the element of dance.
You reveal the child within your heart............thank you..........
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