Get the Story

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

How is it that true friends never leave?
What is the grace that maintains connection?
Where is the place that is home?
When will I go to that place?
Why is it that my body is still atingle

from a single phone call?

[mfwilkie]

I like the idea here, Jon, but the case can be made for too many question marks.
Can you combine a couple of the sentences and still achieve your intention?

Maggie

[purplejacket]

I like that the "who" is the question not asked. That works muchly.

I think the word true could be dropped from line 1, possibly beloved as well - let those things come out in the poem.

I think I'd like to see a little something magical in this - a touch of magic for your mystery. That sounds a bit silly being said about a poem of questions, but you're using questions devicively here.

When will I go to that place? isn't enough, because though you may have a clear idea of what that place is (ie, home), you don't give the reader anything to attach to "home." Of course, we each have our own idea of what home is; it's usually very pleasant. But making us draw on our own ideas of home is asking a bit much, when you could show us something and make us say, "Mmmm, ahhhh, he means home." And I think if you don't specifically use the word home, but rather something like "The place where I can drink milk from the carton," or "The place where I can fart all I want," or "The place with her post-shower steam still in the bathroom," then you'll have some magic, and you can set any mood you want.

And I think you could tie off the ending a little better by telling us a circumstance of the phone call to bring us back to reality, maybe or whatever. Like, "from a single phone call amidst a loud downtown Lexington." or "from a single phone call in this rented kitchen." or whatever you like, as long as it doesn't sound like home.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Thanks Maggie........your suggestion is in question.... ;D
Amanda....thanks for your efforts.....There are merits here which I will act upon......

[mfwilkie]

Good suggestions, pj.

Maggie

[Marion Poirier]

You have good suggestions, Jon. IMHO a great poet does
not need modifiers; (only sparingly) therefore, that's
my contribution. I agree, too many questions take away
from the poetic format. One is good - in rare circumstances -
two - more than that reads like a quiz.

The questions have been addressed by previous reviewers,
and I concur. My two-cents worth, my friend.

Marion

P.S. Jon
I can easily relate to this once I'm past the question marks.
You could make these ?s into statements - but then it would
be too telling.
I think atingle has to go - it throws the whole piece off
IMHO, of course.
M

[PantheUs]

i do

too much nonscence
goin on in tha world today

this is my review


P

4perfect

[purplejacket]

I think the idea for the framing device, if I can call it that, of this poem is from a reporter's world - get the story- the who, what, when, where, why, how. The title can also come off as a command to the reader: draw your own conclusions from these questions. That in itself is interesting. If you take away the questions, the poetic unit is shattered.

But if you try an entirely different form, then the motivation for the poem becomes the effect of a phone call and the desire for belonging.

Is the device or the intrinsic motivation the central-most reason to write this poem?
And if it's the device, then why are you invoking a reporter's world to me? That part I don't get.

[Marion Poirier]

I think Amanda has nailed it, Jon. I should have got it
from the title that it was from a journalist's POV.
This is really creative, though I have to say that it is really
prose or a prose poem - not sure if it's even a poem -
but strictly prose. IMO a poem contains mostly concrete imagery with only a minimun of telling/asking - leaving a
hint of mystery - just enough to give some food for thought.
This poem does cause one to ponder in these lines:

Where is the place that is home?
When will I go to that place?

These are the lines that I find most intriguing, mysterious
and profound.

I've never heard it said like this before and it's an excellent
question. Where is home?- indeed. I wouldn't change those two lines or spell anything out - but allow the reader to think.

Amanda, I'm not stalking you but you are the only member
who is showing any imagination after the holiday -
and I like your thought process - you are a swift thinker -
takes me sometimes a bit longer to get it. LOL!

Just another two-cents and Jon, I always enjoy a poem
when I am able to get an inkling of the author's intent.

Hope you are on the mend after your surgery.
Take care,

M

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Marion and Amanda, I've enjoyed and learned from your comments.
I wrote this poem on a Sunday afternoon, after receiving a phone call from a very dear, dear friend who had recently had an epiphany, bringing him out of a nine year depression. I had called him fairly regularly for the first six or seven years, then became too frustrated and upset to continue calling.

I saw the caller ID and from that point through the next several hours I was extremely emotional. It was wonderful, though an enervating experience.

The reporter's format just happened, and Marion, my body was really atingle, (a legitimate word.)

I was writing mostly from a spiritual state of mind when referring to home. It wasn't a physical home, more a home of origin and destination.......

In light of this history, do you feel any differently, and if so, how? ;D

Marion, thanks for asking about my surgery......My recovery has been amazingly uneventful, regarding both pain and mobility.....I am really surprised to be walking unassisted and with virtually no pain.......

Again thank you both (Maggie too) for your attention. Jon

[Marion Poirier]

Jon, I am glad to hear that you are doing well
after your surgery. Also, that I did not offend
you with the prose word. So many poets consider
it a dirty word - Shakespeare's soliloquies were
prose but beautifully written.

I understand that you were referring to a spiritual
place called home; its meaning is two-fold.
They are wonderful lines, and every memorable poem
should contain a great line or two- otherwise it slips
into obscurity. For some reason, I was moved
by the mentioned lines; perhaps,it triggers something
in the subconcious; it's an esotoric question
that should encourage many mixed thoughts and opinions.
I found your words to be inspirational and moving.

I don't know if I'm answering your question or not -
your explanation sheds light on the poem.
I also learned a new word, Jon. It's your poem from
your heart so I would change little or nothing.

My best as always,
Marion

[ramadevi]

I knew you meant a spiritual home!



BUt i did not knwo about your surgery! It serves me right for not being more in touch (and this poem is a nice reminder to give you a tinkle more often so we can tingle together - )

What kind of surgery was it? Glad to hear you are mobile.
I send you healing hugs....and tons of loving light.

I am also in hospital at the moment, been admitted for two weeks. Had a muscle spasm pinched nerve and also a fall...recovering slowly and getting lots of rest. Other complaints also being addressed, and i may need another surgery soon (Gynac).


Time for our karma to be getting purified i guess!

WIll write from yahoo.
Love you.