How could I know...(revision 2)

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Pantoum Sonnet has the elements of a Sonnet, i.e. iambic pentameter, 10 syllables per line, 3 quartrains and an ending couplet. Yet also combines the structure of a Pantoum with the repetitive lines, thus, the combined structure of a Pantoum Sonnet is as follows:

14 lines A1B1A2B2/ B1C1B2C2/ C1D1C2D2/ A1A2

Okay decided to give some freedom to the form.

Revision 2

How could I know

when granting him a title, ‘true-bred knight’,
that through the drifts of time I’d find him not.
I’d prayed nobility would harbor light,
but in disguise he hid the power sought.

Through drifts of time I found that he was not
a gentle man who’d focus on his wife.
A ripped disguise revealed the power sought,
and love once shared was fractured, losing life.

A wretched man lost focus on his wife,
collective dreams became a minute goal.
The love once shared was battered, gave its life,
that night he summoned hate and lost control.

I granted him the title, ‘true-bred knight’,
in hopes nobility would harbor light.




Revision

How could I know…

I granted him the title ‘true-bred knight’.
As drifts of time advanced I found him not,
yet prayed nobility would harbor light.
Disguised, he laughed, and hid the power sought.

As drifts of time advanced I found him not
to be a man who’d focus on his wife.
Disguise was torn, I viewed the power sought.
The love we shared was tarnished, losing life.

To be a man who’d focus on his wife,
collective dreams would be his greatest goal.
But love once shared was battered, gave its life,
that night he summoned hate and lost control.

I granted him the title ‘true-bred knight’,
in hopes nobility would harbor light.



Original

How could I know…

I thought him sanctioned as my truest knight.
As drifts of time advanced I found him not
a noble gentleman enwrapped by light.
Disguise was worn to hide the power sought.

As drifts of time advanced I found him not
to be a man who’d focus on his wife,
disguise was torn that hid the power sought.
The love we shared was battered, lost its life.

To be a man who’d focus on his wife,
collective dreams would be his greatest goal.
The love we shared was battered, lost its life,
that night he summoned hate and lost control.

I thought him sanctioned as my truest knight,
a noble gentleman enwrapped by light.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

True to form.......a lovely pantoum sonnet...........

The knight will come when time for him is right
just shine the beacon of your heart each night.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

but did it have the voice? LOL

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

You know I don't know enough about form to matter, but I do know voice. I think it fits fine here JoLynn. My first couple of reads went smoothly and I never lost the first person narrator's voice or found it out of place. Very nice. Ron

[mfwilkie]

The pantoum's form really keeps your language tight, JL.
Try a few more of these. You're a natural at the form.

There is definately a more modern V in this, JoLynn.
One I really like, and I think you can here it, too.

Climbing up on my soapbox for substitutions and word choices!!!!

I thought him sanctioned as my truest knight.

Looking at that line again after reading the poem, this is what I hear N saying:

I gave him warrant as a true-bred knight.

Giving warrant means you confirmed his imagined qualities as a true-bred knight, making exceptional allowances for him as such.
it's more powerful than just thinking he was, and supports the intent in the rest of the poem.

Okay climbing off the box, now.

How's the PC holding out?

Later

Mags

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hi JL-

Sorry I hadn't seen this, but I haven't been able to pay much attention here lately.

My question would be to ask what kind of voice you're going for. If it's sort of an archaic voice to match the tone and timbre of the maiden in search of the knight, I think you've got it.

I do think I agree with Maggie, though, on "sanctioned", unless that is the true term for someone being knighted. Oftentimes, I think of "sanctioning" as limiting someone, or even punishing them.

"Enwrapped" is the other word that, if you don't want the archaic language, doesn't really fit since that word was originally created to fit meter in poetry.

What a great form, though, JL, and I can see this being a trademark form for you.

Love ya, and hope all is well.

David

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Thanks so much, David and Maggie. I have such a hard time breaking away sometimes as is the case here, kind of a mixture going on. Great thoughts both of you and I will work on it and see where it goes.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Thanks you two for the push. Maggie decided to give some freedom to the form, somewhat like I did with that Ternzanelle that time. What says you?

[bulerias]

First learning from you about the quatern, and now the pantoum -- you are an incredible fountain of "form." Thanks so much for the lessons. And the sonnet is beautiful . To go from hope to disappointment in love, in such concentrated form, is almost too much to bear. The emotion jumps out from the words -- your voice has been heard. BRAVO!!!

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

yeah I do love form poetry. I guess it comes from the structured accountant in me...Thank you so much for your beautiful words, really appreciate that. So glad you enjoyed.

[mfwilkie]

I like the first revision very much, JL.

Granted 's a good choice.

Had a thought about 'the' in that line.

What if you changed the to 'a' and used a semi?
And varied the front of those lines a bit.

I really think you're on to something with this poem.

Mags

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hi JL. I like this much, much better. It has the more modern feel to it, yet still hearkens to a classicism with the "knight" and the form, which to me is a beautiful combination.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Okay, Mags, revision 2 is up....getting closer? or further away?

Thank you, David, darling. MUAH

[Tina (Firefly)]

I have really enjoyed reading this, JL..many times over. I have not been able to be around much recently, and have been veryh uninspired, but long ago I learned to write in form and I loved it. You may have inspired me to try again. This is very well done. Hope you have a beautiful holiday.. Tina