Life and Death

[reader0202 (Chris)]

Life and Death

Battle above mirrors travail below.
Warm gusting winds embrace the knoll,
caressing lovers. Sam dozing in the glow
of release, Erin contemplates another soul.

Mockingbird, enchanter of aural spring, both gold
of tongue and red of claw, trading turns
with a desperately fleeing bug. Wingbeats bold
erase the gap with the meal she seeks and earns.

Freedom often belongs to the smaller in size,
she who flies the knotty path of evasion,
Failure today lies not with twists to the side.
but with a fatal change in elevation.

Captured in midflight, the victory will belong
not to woman and insect weaving deception,
but bird and sperm will win, true and strong.
For also at this moment she is snared by conception.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Ok, that sailed right over my head; I'm sure it's just me. Lead me through it.

[mfwilkie]

Chris,

I understand Ron's problem with this draft.

The first stanza introduces Sam and Erin with terrific images:

Sam's carefree dozing and Erin's contemplation of what understand might be a pregnancy. After that the poem gets so far away from these two that I'm lost until the very last line.

Consider dropping your opening line which doesn't serve the poem at all and try to connect the narrator's POV more realistically to the couple on the knoll.

The N wants to say something, and I think it's important, but it's lost to this reader.

Maggie