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Post by mfwilkie on Dec 21, 2008 3:44:19 GMT -5
We wrap this residue of what is real
in normalcy for strangers we are close to,
but it brings no good will to cold sheets
or the emptiness of sleep.
Awakenings sit on our shoulders
and spring is always in another place
though it should not surprise you
the inhabitants of stones travel well
in caravans of fragile glass.
We have no questions for the future
just the sureness of hidden extremes
with each new moon. We come slow
to the wisdom of migration.
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Post by Marion Poirier on Dec 31, 2008 2:08:48 GMT -5
Maggie, I like the poem, but I think it is too telling.
You could eliminate some of the explanations - also,
but could be eliminated by using a semi-C . (a me thing)
M
We wrap this residue of what is real; S.C.
but it brings no good will to cold sheets
or the emptiness of sleep.
Awakenings sit on our shoulders
and spring is always in another place.
though it should not surprise you
the inhabitants of stones travel well
in caravans of fragile glass.
We have no questions for the future
just the sureness of hidden extremes
with each new moon. We come slow
to the wisdom of migration
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Jan 16, 2009 15:12:03 GMT -5
To start with this has no business this low on the page with only 31 reads. Shame on those who don't read the posts of others, but expect theirs to be read. I, too, frequently prefer semi colons to conjunctions, but it is a preferential thing. Still, this is what I look for in a review. It gives me another perspective, a secondary way to read the work before forming a conclusion.
I personally can't conceive of cutting the lines Marion suggests cutting; I think it takes away too much. I like the idea of "the inhabitants of stone" traveling "in caravans of fragile glass". I'm not a 100% sure of the intent here, nor sure I need to be.
I love Marion's review though. It is vastly different from my take on the poem, but it offers an alternative, and that is good. The poet has to rely on himself in the final decision of what to keep and what to cut. I'd keep the suggested cuts with the possible exception of "but" and read aloud several times there to make that call.
Ron
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Post by LynnDoiron on Jan 24, 2009 0:00:37 GMT -5
I like this alot. For my voice, my read, I'd keep the "but" for the flow voice. The semi, while a soft stop, is still a stop and removes me, my read, a step away from the thoughtfulness I find in this onem, mags. But I agree with Ron's assessment above in re: additional perspectives and how the poem is viewed, received.
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Post by Jarlsbane - Michael Ray Cotner on Jan 25, 2009 12:11:33 GMT -5
Hey Mags,
Very thoughtful and a lovely poem... love the "inhabtants of stones line" a great poetic inverse of the "glass house shouldn't throw stones" axiom... There is great imagery and deep meaning in your line there!!! There is no way I would cut that line from this poem as Marion has suggested. If you're a stone traveling in a glass caravan no matter what befalls the caravan in its travels through life then you will survive... you're stronger than the circumstance!! Love it! As far as "But" goes I say you need to keep it... it deepens the contrasting point you're trying to make better than just a SC... (seems I have been disagreeing with Marion alot today!!-- not intentional) One last suggestion... in your last stanza I would reverse the lines not eliminate the last line....
"Coming slow to the wisdom
of migration, we have no questions
for the future,
just the sureness of hidden extremes
with each new moon."
I think ending it with the line 'each new moon' adds an element of progression or movement to the piece.
Thats my take on your cool poem! -Jarls
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 25, 2009 17:34:46 GMT -5
I like that, Jarls! Thank you mucho!! Mags
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