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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Dec 24, 2008 22:04:56 GMT -5
As a child I loved John Bonham
banging Moby Dick and disrupting
twelve bars of blues,
how that felt so much better
than kneeling next to the hypocrites in the pews.
Beneath a twelve-foot pine
I thank whoever, whatever
brought me my silver
Chattanooga choo choo train.
It wasn’t that Mama and Daddy
were poor as sand
it was just that it wasn’t easy then.
I remember Mama saying, “Making Tamales
was is like loading a thousand pounds of grain.”
In dusk this Christmas eve,
I walked four miles in the hills and dark,
remembered on my path
that Jesus was born
poor and on a bed of straw.
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Post by mfwilkie on Dec 24, 2008 23:31:00 GMT -5
Merry Christmas, Leo.
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Post by Sherry Thrasher on Dec 27, 2008 15:04:42 GMT -5
Now that the world has slowed for me and is simply not spinning as fast, I have time to wander the site. I do hope that you had a wonderful Christmas. My best for the new year.
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Dec 27, 2008 16:43:42 GMT -5
Got a whole lotta love for this one, Leo. It is sweet poetry and may remind us from whence we came. Merry Christmas and may life give you ample blessings.
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Dec 27, 2008 22:12:13 GMT -5
This brought a tear to my eye, Leo. A beautiful Christmas card in poetic form. I wish you a few hours of snowflakes falling during a full moon night in the hills of Southern California. And.. many blessings in the new year.
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Post by purplejacket on Dec 30, 2008 1:30:08 GMT -5
absolved or resolved? Absolved is more interesting, but more difficult. Anyway, I'm not sure the first stanza is necessary. It's kind of cumbersome. You have grief, and you've forgiven that you'll never understand?
You call the people in the pews hypocrites, but maybe you could add the word "other." kneeling next to the other hypocrites. You are forgiven, of course, because you were a child. But you're obviously looking back from your adult perspective, and saying you liked the blues better, and your train was the important thing.
I don't think each sentence needs to be its own separate stanza. The one about the blues and the one about the train could be combined.
Why poor as sand? Why does sand belong in this poem rather than ash or something else?
Does loading a thousand lbs. of grain just mean it was a lot of work? Also, with the quote like that, wouldn't she say is rather than was?
I'm being overly critical, and haven't yet conveyed why I like this one. I like the message. The subtle anti-commercial message without beating it on the head. Maybe non-commercial is a more accurate word. Talking about dusk and thinking about Jesus' birth made me picture the star.
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alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
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Post by alfredo on Dec 30, 2008 15:36:15 GMT -5
I cannot decide what to change or leave out which suggests to me that it's fine the way it is ......suspect you wrote it quite quickly ..so let's keep its freshness...and anyhow it's Christmas
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Post by Marion Poirier on Dec 30, 2008 20:05:46 GMT -5
I like the first stanza, Leo and the poem.
Absolve seems to fit your intent as does poor as sand.
I think it is a fine and thoughtful poem for Christmas,
though I was puzzled over John Bonham and Moby
Dick until I looked it up today when I had a minute.
Guess you could say, I'm dumb as sand.
Happy New Year, Leo!
Marion
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Dec 31, 2008 12:13:16 GMT -5
A late Merry Christmas to you, Leo. I offer a couple of minor touches, and I think this works better without the first verse as well, but really don't find it cumbersome. There's a fine sense of voice that unravels neatly with the poem's final four stanzas. I'd connect that last line too. Regardless of my tampering, it's a good piece of work. I wish I could make it out to the left coast to read with you, but my classes will need my attention. I'm trying to save Oklahoma, and it's proving difficult.  Be well my friend. Ron I must admit when I think too much my grief compels my eyes to weep, for I absolved long ago there are many things I just will never understand. As a child I loved John Bonham banging Moby Dick and disrupting twelve bars of blues, how that was felt so much better than kneeling next to the hypocrites in the pews. On Xmas day beneath a twelve-foot pine (I'd say Christmas Day) I thanked whoever, whatever up there brought me my silver Chattanooga choo choo train. It wasn’t that Mama and Daddy were poor as sand, it was just that it wasn’t easy then. I remember Mama saying, “Making Tamales was is like loading a thousand lbs. of grain.” In dusk this Xmas eve, I walked four miles in the hills and dark, remembered on my path that Jesus was born poor and on a bed of straw and somehow life made more sense to me. |
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Post by wavemaker9 (Rick D.) on Dec 31, 2008 12:18:21 GMT -5
Leo, this brought Christmas back home for me. Thank you.
Rick
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Post by Timothy Juhl on Jan 12, 2009 0:30:51 GMT -5
Holy Smoke, Leo! I will have some comments for you on this poem. I'm going to come back to it, but this piece shines. Quick comment...drop the last line...end with 'that Jesus was born/
poor and on a bed of straw'. What a stunning line! The dialogue line from the mother takes my breath away, but I doubt she said 'lbs.'
I need to read this again in the morning.
Tim
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Jan 12, 2009 21:09:09 GMT -5
I returned to this tonight because it continues to haunt. It seems written in a younger voice..perhaps that of an older teenager..and it almost sings with poignantcy. I do agree with several others that you should eliminate that first verse...and the last line. In addition, I don't care for the "Xmas" spelling at all. Never have liked it as it seems irreverant to me. Do change lbs. to pounds. and...put this in the book; it's different and wonderful.
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Post by Marion Poirier on Jan 13, 2009 12:31:36 GMT -5
I agree with Tina that Christmas should be spelled out.
The first verse is wonderful to
those of us who can relate,
also gives the poem more depth.
M
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Post by Timothy Juhl on Jan 13, 2009 13:33:33 GMT -5
Hey Leo,
I'm suffering a rare cold this week and my eyes water, so bear with me on this. I really love this poem. It's humble, honest and taps into the reader's own sentiments about the holiday without being schmaltzy.
I would dump the first verse entirely. It feels like the warm up, like the first thoughts you had as the poem came to you and the language in the first verse is stilted and overreaching when you compare it to the language of the rest of the poem which is conversational and accessible.
I agree with Ron's tense changes, a small thing and I'm wavering on the 'Xmas' but lean toward spelling it out...in fact, I'd try to write the poem using 'Christmas' only once and that would be in the last verse.
I still think the last line could be dropped, leaving you with a much more powerful image.
Yours,
Tim
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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Jan 13, 2009 14:52:02 GMT -5
Good changes everyone, thanks.
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Be well my friend. Ron