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Post by ramadevi on Dec 27, 2008 9:51:11 GMT -5
Aware that fate will beckon soon,
joyfully don the crown of loving kindness,
resplendent with gold and gems of self-giving .
The diamond of discernment is a boon,
reminding us to liberate the psyche from duress,
release stress, embrace the grace of living
without fear of failure. The future croons
a tune of tomorrow, but life's fullness
vibrates with the harmony of driving
the body's vehicle through landscaped dunes
of NOW and forever, with all life's tests
ushering us towards the bliss of believing
that nothing ever dies, it only changes form,
evolving 'til it merges in the light of truth. |
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Post by mfwilkie on Dec 27, 2008 10:04:10 GMT -5
Lovely sonnet, rama,
Some thoughts to tighten it up using the title as part of the opening line and strengthening the lines by eliminating gerunds which kind of dilute its strengths.
I dropped NOW to lower case. It's a much frowned on artificial device.
Maggie
Death does not exist...
aware that fate will beckon soon,
and with joy, don the crown of loving kindness,
resplendent with gold and gems of self-giving .
The diamond of discernment is a boon
which reminds us to liberate the psyche from duress,
release stress, and embrace the grace of living
without fear of failure. The future croons
a tune of tomorrow, but life's fullness
vibrates with the harmony of driving
the body's vehicle through landscaped dunes
of now and forever, with all life's tests
usher us towards the bliss of believing
that nothing ever dies, it only changes form
until it emerges in the light of truth.
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Post by mfwilkie on Dec 27, 2008 10:05:22 GMT -5
Oh, and your rhymes are fantastically unnoticable and very nicely done!
Maggie
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Dec 27, 2008 11:30:32 GMT -5
I embrace the form, rhyme, and most importantly, the concept.
This is a beautiful piece, and your poetry constantly evolves, mirroring your Self...........Love and wishes for good health..........are you out of the hospital yet? Namaste........Shanti, Om.
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Post by Marion Poirier on Jan 1, 2009 0:41:15 GMT -5
Hi Rama, Happy New Year!
I responded to this lovely poem on another site
so I will not repeat my suggestions - except for
the title. It is powerful - but may be too overwhelming
for those who have experienced intense grief -
especially over the loss of a child
I think that Nothing Ever Dies
is a more gentle approach to this topic that will
undoubtedly be painful to many who have suffered loss.
Regards,
Marion
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Jan 16, 2009 15:21:14 GMT -5
Happy birthday, rama. I always feel the spiritual nature of your work. I really like Maggie's ideas; I don't feel they take away from your voice. The alliteration and tone seem intact, and Marion's title idea is excellent as well. Nothing new for me to add here. Ron
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antman
EP Gold 750 Posts Plus
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Posts: 958
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Post by antman on Jan 27, 2009 23:23:41 GMT -5
Peace ramadevi,
I feel this is one of your Best!
The trancendence of the inevitable
has its undeniable truth.
I like your cap (NOW) as it enjabed
and enforced its timely power.
My only nit (a small one) would be to power up
the alliteration that Ron speaks of.
In S4/L4 ridding the gerund in Ushering and
pluralizing to Ushers enhances that SSS sound and makes
that stanza sizzle! Much like a landscaped dune!
Your couplet in my opinion can sum up this sonnet
with a minor tweak such as:
that nothing ever really dies, it only changes form
evolving evolves 'til it merges in the light of truth.
Namaste........Shanti, Om as Jon says : )
antman
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