Beneath the Cherry Trees (Mod 2)

[alfredo]

Well before autumn.....

breeze twirls
the leaves
as white clouds
pass before uncommon blue

beneath
eighteen cherry trees
full of leaf –
we flick and fluff
until the rug lands
entirely to her satisfaction;
then drop basket
bag and hats
and what ever follows.

country loaf, toast sliced,
thickly spread with avocado
a fresh pepper sprinkling;
with icy melon finishing,
and at my knee
earl gray tea
and a circle of waimata brie

...warming under its golden wrap

the nearby Labrador
follows every move
of the bobbin’ pigeon
as it steps forth and back;
his hanging tongue
follows along
just like me – kept at bay
by the grey
about the jowls

[Marion Poirier]

Happy New Year, Alfredo!
I should be doing other things but I've read your poem
several times. I know there is some message in the
last two stanza's - but who knows what lurks in the
heart and mind of a poet? I mostly guess at the intent-
sometimes I get it when I can relate by experience.

Lots of good imagery here and use of the senses -
though, I think it's open to interpretation - so i'll
leave it to the experts.

Enjoyed the read.
Marion

P.s. I had to come back to tell you that I think the
title is a turn-off. Who wants to read about grey jowls?
You can do better than that, my friend.

[mfwilkie]

Read a few times, 'fredo, and still mulling thoughts.

You might think about spacing the italics to the right.

Maggie

[alfredo]

Originally called Picnic ..but I used that title for something else. The parallel drawn between the man’s lost youth and the Labrador (though both look, with hanging tongue, at attractive pigeons) was a late thought …and one perhaps I should have overlooked.

PS thanks M and M for taking the time!

[Marion Poirier]

Hi Alfredo,
I like the latest title - a pretty image.
Thanks for explaining the analogy in the last stanza,
though I think it is extreme and a bit vague - to me.
I think you could work on it so that it would come off
as satire like I think you intended.
M

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

Alfredo...I think this is a fine imagist poem. I think the first stanza should be dropped. It is nowhere as strong or surprising as the rest of the poem. I would restructure like this:

Beneath eighteen cherry trees (title)

full of leaf –(first line)
well before autumn -
we flick and fluff
until the rug lands
entirely to her satisfaction;
then drop basket
bag and hats
and what ever follows.

...the...full of leaf...opening gives you an interesting double entendre. Begs the questions, is the writer or the scene full of leaf. I also like specificity of Beneath 18 Cherry Trees.

Nice poem.

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

I really loved this... and I do agree with the suggestions leo posted... I would get rid of "and" in the and the strong sun stanza and the first "with" in the country loaf stanza. I would replace again "with" with "a" in

across the way lies the sea
with dark clouds
above a shining line;

you might play around with your kicker a bit... but it is hardy as is...

perhaps change "forth and back" to "back-and-forth", to make it one motion and easy on the readers image process...anyway that's how my mind "pictured" it.

lovely rendition and nice flow and a tip of the cap!

tidings
ron

[Sherry Thrasher]

Let me count the ways that I love this poem...
Maggie and I were sitting around the supper table and this poem has inspired poetic conversation. Perhaps:

Well before autumn...

a breeze twirls
the leaves
as white clouds
pass before uncommon blue

beneath
eighteen cherry trees
full of leaf –
we flick and fluff
until the rug lands
entirely to her satisfaction;
then drop basket,
bag and hats
and whatever follows.

and perhaps


the nearby Labrador
follows every move
of the bobbin’ pigeon
as it steps forth then back;
his hanging tongue
follows along
just like me – kept at bay
by the grey
about the jowls.

Wonderful poem, really a wonderful poem and I simply swooned at:

beneath
eighteen cherry trees
full of leaf –
we flick and fluff
until the rug lands
entirely to her satisfaction;


Sherry (and Maggie too!)

[alfredo]

Sherry, I simply don’t believe Maggie said that too!! Haha. Well, what a nice Xmas (sorry New Year) gift from the US (emerald isle too) to ‘lil ol’ NZ . So many ( too many for me to take) responses. And lovely suggestions from such rich Poets…a humble thanks.

I looked through what Sherry had changed and I liked it too but I also like Leo's, supported by Ron’s, suggestions. Wait I will be back soon to wring the changes.

Sherry, have I got you right? Leave this out ...

country loaf, toast sliced,
thickly spread with avocado
with fresh pepper sprinkling;
icy melon finishing,
and at my knee
earl gray tea
and a circle of waimata brie
warming under its golden wrap

Perhaps I could be wear the lion's headdress = be called a Poet). Have I killed the lion (no, I have never published nor attempted to publish)?....Nah I’m dreamin’agin

BTW its seriously summer here guys hence Picnic theme(s)

[Sherry Thrasher]

That would be a huge mistake to leave out the menu! That should certainly stay as is. Just thought about edits in the areas mentioned. Maggie is in the south right now and I am giving proper instruction on the "swoon" technique for future use. We need to teach those Yankees after all!