The Sixth Of January

[Timothy Juhl]

THE SIXTH OF JANUARY

Near Dent, Minnesota
snow crunches beneath
Maxine Hilmer’s galoshes

the last sound she hears
before her heart fails
reaching for the mail.

And down in Florida,
Kenny Brennan dreams
of flying commercial jets;

he catches the glint of wings
when the blood vessel
ruptures in his brain.

I lease the same day,
scribbling off words
to mark my trail

and wonder which word
will be the last one:
glint or crunch or poem

or maybe dishtowel
or dictionary; maybe
it’s simply done.

I hurry through the
sixth of January with
my cereal, the gym,

my job, popcorn and tv
rushing past it all
to catch my death.

[mfwilkie]

Well done, Tim. Crisp imagery and not a word of excess as far as I can hear.

Maggie

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Wow, that's really good, excellent close. A piece to learn from and come back to often. Thanks for the post.

[Sherry Thrasher]

Did you just write this one? I agree with the above in saying not a thing to change.

[Timothy Juhl]

Oddly, I made a few changes just before posting, it's new as far January 6th is new. I took it from a couple of obituaries (an obsession). The fourth verse is still bothersome, especially the first line. Thanks for the feedback.

Tim

[mfwilkie]

A thought on stanza 4, Tim:

his last thought, the plane
overhead, when a blood
vessel ruptures in his brain.

Lynn and I were talking about your draft last and she brought up a good point: do you need death in the last line?

Replace it with breath and see what you think.

Maggie

[Timothy Juhl]

I'll toy with the verse, your suggestion omits 'glint' and I use that as the poet's words later...hmmm? I do like the brevity of your suggestion...gotta think on this. I've gone back and forth with death/breath and breath steps too deeply into cliche...not that death doesn't evoke the cliche, but it shakes off some of the laziness.

Tim

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Welcome, Tim, fine work here. I like the use of detail and the crisp images. Line 1 of stanza 4 might be bettered by moving the pronoun out of its prominent position in the line. I don't think you can lose 'glint'. Maybe something like, {The glint of wings strikes his eyes}
I think 'breath' works much better than "death" in your closing. It creates feel of ackowledging death's presence as close as our next breath for me anyway. Regardless this is good stuff.
Ron

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

examples of death make this a strong work.
i found the 5th verse the most powerful and well-penned; and in the subsequent verse, i'd omit one.

your poem reminds us to live in the moment and suck the juices out of life, before we become a dishtowel.


welcome, tim.

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

Tim, Please send me a PM explaining your intent as a poet and what stage you think you are in as a poet. Also knowing some of the poets you admire would be helpful. Since you are new I would like to have an answer to those questions before I offer an opinion. I do, by the quality of this poem, assume you are not a beginning writer. Thanks Leo

[Marion Poirier]

Hi Tim, Welcome.
I wouldn't use death or breath - too predictable -
but leave off the last line, at least for now -
until you come up with something unique.

I like the poem a lot. It's serious and satiric at the
same time - difficult to pull off effectively-
great technique.

Marion

[Sherry Thrasher]

I didn't realize this was from obits. Very interesting. I wonder if that could be mentioned in the title somehow. I feel that puts another layer on this. I'm only here for a moment as I'm studying Spanish homework. Thanks for joining me at today's service at the Church of Whitman and I hope you enjoyed your journey through the Readers Corner. I'm still wired from our Cup A Joe.
Thinking of our prayer project.

Be well and I hope to meet up with you all Wednesday night.

Sherry

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Reading this again, I still like it a lot, but I agree with Marion about "death" and {breath} maybe something like {catch the credits} for a close. Ron