Approaching the Treeline (Revised) w/two endings

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Approaching the Treeline New version with two possible closes.

Across the winter field
stands the treeline
gaunt and stark
a shadow of green in the distance,
once full-leafed and billowing
against blue skies.

An unsettling silence hangs
heavy in the still air.
Where is the chatter of crows?
After all
this is their season in the trees,
but nothing is here in freezing air.
The line is thin, black
and quiet, an empty world
through hanging smoke
of December breath.

(A)Reds, blues,
even browns have disappeared.
Only colorless grass sways
beneath a clouded sun
in an illusion of life.

(B)Only colorless grass sways
beneath a clouded sun;
Reds, blues,
even browns have disappeared
like an old man’s summer smile.



Approaching the Treeline    original version

Across the winter field stands
the treeline,
gaunt and stark in the distance
          a shadow of green,
once full-leafed and billowing
against blue skies.

The stillness and unsettling silence
disturb nature.
Where is the chatter of crows?
After all, this is their season in the trees

          but nothing is here
in freezing air, through the hanging smoke
of December breath.
The line is thin, black
          and quiet, too quiet.

Colorless grass waves
beneath a cloud-covered sun;
reds, blues, even browns have disappeared,
gone like an old man’s summer smile.

[Timothy Juhl]

Hey Ron,

Thanks for all your thoughtful comments on my previous posts, I'm really liking the site and enjoy reading the work of others.

I love the first verse here, and it is the standout, but the following verses seem weaker. The first line in V2 is repetitive...I like 'The stillness disturbs nature' and 'After all' could easily be dropped.

V3 is stronger, although I think you can skip 'too quiet' because the rest of the line is tremendous!

V4 is my least favorite, because the last line seems too easy. You have all these other strong word combos and images, I want the last line to really hit home and suck my breath away.

Stay with it, that first verse is enough to want more.

Tim

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

a poem of contrasts. i don't mind the emphasis of '' too quiet' as it offsets the crows' chatter.
i do agree with tim, in that the finale could be stronger. it works well enough, blending with the theme, but something other, to set it apart from the subtle contrasts would be interesting.

fits in well with the climate here in the east........ best wishes, ron.

my shift key isn't working..........

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Hey, my friend,

Tim has some very strong suggestions for you too consider. We all have such different voices hard sometimes to know which way to go with others' thoughts but I do have a few of my own to throw at you. Love your opening, you are always so good at those, something I need to work on myself.

The stillness and unsettling silence (wondering about using The stillness, an unsettling silence disturbs nature)
disturb nature.
Where is the chatter of crows?
After all, this is their season in the trees(For always this is their season)

but nothing is here (maybe but nothing is heard to work back into your silence?)
in freezing air, through the hanging smoke
of December breath.
The line is thin, black
and quiet, too quiet.(the line is thin, black, too quiet.)

Colorless grass waves
beneath a cloud-covered sun; (maybe instead of cloud-covered you could do something like grey-covered to elude to the clouds without saying such)
reds, blues, even browns have disappeared,
gone like an old man’s summer smile.

I do have to agree with Tim on the strength of the close, not sure what to suggest but do think that last line could be altered to convey a stronger image.

Good to read you and hope all is well with you and yours.

[Jarlsbane - Michael Ray Cotner]

And I liked the ending line.... some good poetic imagery and thought in a line that says an old man has lost his summer smile... go figure!!?

good job -jarls

[brianedwards]

Ditto the praise on the opening Ron, very nice. I wonder, could the poem end on

The line is thin, black
and quiet.



Just a thought.

B.

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

Ron, This fees a little Robinson Jefferish. I think the abstraction so early distract from the great image of the trees. I think also (although, I don’t think so in most of your poems) that some trimming would make this more powerful. I also reworked stanzas as I think your crow line is your strongest. I would re-work them something like this:

Across the winter field s
the treeline,
a shadow of green,
in Spring full-leafed and billowing,
now gaunt and stark
against blue skies.

in freezing air, through the hanging smoke
of December breath.
The line is thin, black
and quiet, too quiet.

Colorless grass waves
beneath a cloud-covered sun;
reds, blues, even browns have disappeared,
gone like an old man’s summer smile.

there is only stillness, unsettling silence
Where is the chatter of crows?
After all, this is their season in the trees

[wavemaker9 (Rick D.)]

I wouldn't change anything other than omitting "after all". It disturbs the solemn silence you've created. I don't understand what caused the changes in nature or if it is the authors perception that has changed. It may be me not getting it.
Rick

[LynnDoiron]

Hello, my friend. First, am enjoying (I come from Oklahoma) very much and I'm sorry I haven't let you know that sooner, you sooner you.

Some thoughts Approaching the Treeline follow for you to consider or round-file at your leisure, Ron.

Across the winter field stands
the treeline,
stands gaunt and stark,
a shadow of green in the distance,
once full-leafed and billowing
against blue skies.

The stillness and unsettling silence
disturbs nature.--
where is the chatter of crows?
After all, t This is their season in the trees

but nothing is here
in the freezing air.

Through the hanging smoke
of December breath
the line is thin, black
and quiet, too quiet.

Colorless grass waves
beneath a cloud-covered sun;
reds, blues,even browns have disappeared,
gone like an old man’s summer smile.


Ron -- a lot of the strike throughs are to get at that bleakness of the season I find in this poem. If I twiddled your voice away, I hope you'll forgive me and just let it be.

Grand for me to read your work again.

lynn

[mfwilkie]

I like Lynn's suggestions, Ron. Mags

[lizbethbrown]

i like lynn's suggestions too. it takes away some of the noise and gets me closer to the view. but i feel like there's no narrator. i'd like to know why you are bothering to write this. is there something more than a mere landscape that compels you - or me to take this moment as any different than any other moment i have viewed a landscape? what happened here?

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I'm working on a long piece of prose, a novel, and I've had a back and neck injury to slow my writing a bit, but thanks to all for the looks ans suggestions. I took several and offer this revision. I'm uncertain about the ending so I offer two. What do you think?

Lizbeth, I intentionally avoided the personal narrator trying to draw the reader into a bleak metaphorical image I think.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

I like the revision, Ron, and prefer ending A with which I resonate personally. Hope your bodily ailments disappear like that old man's summer smile.

[mfwilkie]

I like the original, Cowboy. Maggie