The incredible intent of poems (ver 4)

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

I beg you read the fallen leaves,
as I have straightened the crooked line,
found the paradox of circles and squares.
And, I have left the truth for you—
on a slab of polished basalt,
in a cup of anther dust,
painted on petroglyphs with lightning—

for it is to power that love shall pause,
to love for which power will hasten.

So if somehow you suppose,
I am but fog and stone
or the breeze that neither comes nor goes—
know that I have known
from the song of my newborn choir
to the gospel of my breath departed—

it is you I shall always love,
it is love we shall always be.

[alfredo]

Leo, may I say, I like the ideas here very much indeed. So much so that, as one does, I've tampered with bits I love. Toss away my stick if its the wrong way ‘round..as it often as not, is!

I have left the truth for you—
on a slab of polished basalt,
in the cup of anther dust,
notched to destiny’s platinum belt,
(etched) painted on petroglyphs

I beg you read the fallen leaves.
for it is to power that love shall pause,
to love for which power will succumb....(this is cool)

And if somehow you suppose,
I am but fog and stone
know this, I have always known
it is you I shall always love,
it is love we shall always be

from the song of my newborn choir
to the gospel (gospel = good news?) of my breath departed?


Ps I'm thinking on the title

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Is this one of those mushroom writes? It would be lightning and etched would probably be the word there as pointed out above. There are parts of this I just absolutely love and then there are other places I just can't grasp where you are going with the thought. Think I'll come back in the morning and read it again with a fresher mind. Definitely has your voice all over it though.

[Marion Poirier]

Very, very nice, Leo. Suggestions: I'd eliminate
lines 4.5.6 in S1 because they are shades of cliche -
seem too familiar - and on the edge of rambling.
Also, I'd eliminate the last line as it is merely redundant
and more potent without the excess.

Marion

P.S. The title -- thumbs down
P.P.S. perhaps take out wonderful - may work

[Marion Poirier]

Much improved, Leo. Now let me look up petroglyphs
It was lightning, I felt was not that original - but
petroglyphs is good - I guess.

M

[mfwilkie]

Leo, Love what this is saying but i think you're killing the declaration of love with tyring to be too poetic.

Here are some thoughts on tightening it.

Maggie

I beg you read the fallen leaves,
as I have straightened the my life's crooked line
and with the paradox of circles,
of squares.

And, I have left the truth of it for you—
on a slab of polished basalt,
in a cup of anther dust,
painted on petroglyphs with lightning—
it is only for power that love shall will pause,

So if somehow you suppose,
I am nothing more than fog and stone ,
know what I have come to know,
it is you I shall always love.