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Post by serge on Jan 18, 2009 17:55:59 GMT -5
Not missed, the world of "show-and-tell",
shine it on, Goodbye!
I've shunned greater things before,
not batting an eye.
Suns have risen,
Moons have set
I have slumbered on.
Oft' times there's no significance for me
from dusk till dawn.
Clinging to a Sousa beat or guitar solo role...
A crooner's lowed rendition of a poet's lowly prose:
Captured through existence by a word of Frost's
or Poe's;
the tempo of my drummer resonates throughout my loves,
Not proved by hearts and flowers
or flutterings of Doves
Syncopated, rapid pace -
Rhythms brushed in blues,
My soul is forced to shadowing my whims
As they may choose.
jLeo.
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Post by serge on Jan 18, 2009 18:09:14 GMT -5
in a moment(s) of weakness....
I seek inner strength...
armchair, amateur psychoanalysation simply won't do,
unless it's scantilly clad.
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Post by serge on Jan 18, 2009 18:16:20 GMT -5
mf
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 19, 2009 15:45:11 GMT -5
J.Leo,
I brushed the heavy excess from this piece.
After mulling it over for the past couple of days,
here's what I hear it saying after losing the opening stanza.
What ever you don't like, feel free to chuck in the round file.
Maggie
Suns have risen
and moons have
set on significance.
Yet, I slumbered on,
from dusk till dawn,
mostly undisturbed
by what I missed
in the world of show-
and-tell.
A crooner's lowed rendition
of a poet's lowly prose,
captured with a word of Frost's
or Poe's, clings to a Sousa beat
or a guitar's solo role—
the tempo of my drummer
resonates throughout my loves,
not proved with hearts and flowers
or the flutterings of doves, but with
syncopated, rapid-paced rhythms
brushed in blues—one soul forcing
whims.
Free to choose.
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Post by wavemaker9 (Rick D.) on Jan 20, 2009 0:59:48 GMT -5
Serge, you have a voice worth hearing untouched as it is evident you have listened. This, as is, has a familiar beat. No, beat is the wrong feeling. It has a beat nik smoky soul and feels like it was written because it wanted to float around the room to be inhaled wry with whisky.
I like it.
Welcome, Rick
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 20, 2009 15:14:03 GMT -5
I disagree, Rick.
There's a bit of a redundancy that appears too close together
in the poem for me.
I've shunned greater things before,
not batting an eye.
I have slumbered on.
Oft' times there's no significance for me
from dusk till dawn.
And the music of the piece, I think gets lost because the poem doesn't establish itself with a strong enough opening before the poem turns.
And in the last line, it's not the whims that choose, it's the soul.
Whether or not to revise is always up to the poet.
maggie
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Jan 20, 2009 18:42:03 GMT -5
Welcome, Serge; I'm going to agree with Maggie on this one. Opening with stanza 2 seems much stronger to me, and she's 100% right about the closing line's construction being awkward. Lot of good stuff though, well worth working with. Ron
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Post by wavemaker9 (Rick D.) on Jan 21, 2009 1:20:07 GMT -5
I'll agree to disagree Mags. I hear different tones suggested and all are valid. But my whims can at times have a soul all their own and never notice my adgenda, thank God.
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