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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 27, 2009 19:13:58 GMT -5
hunger for laughter found them all of a place—
beneath a stand of long- leafed loblolly pines in a simple Georgia town whose night concerts were the vocalizations of tree frogs up against the thunder of a train that splits the city in two.
some friends let delusions of smoke have at their worries,
the salt-licked rims of Latin ladies, the spoken art of tree frogs, the not-so-subtle
swooning of a warm wind out of season.
It was the expect-
ations of time that pulled them away. Pulled them
apart.
hunger for laughter held them in place—
they shared the delusion of smoke-cures for worries over salt-licked rims of Latin ladies and let silence reach for threads of relief in words from their familiars; a silence that leached itself to paper.
Only the impatience of time would chase them from berths beneath long-leafed loblolly pines that swooned in the arms of the wind.
Revision/new title
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Post by Timothy Juhl on Jan 28, 2009 9:11:18 GMT -5
Hey Maggie,
You used the word 'loblolly'. For that alone I love this simple piece. I'm not sure about the repeated 'silence', I could go either way. The repetition of the consonant 'L' throughout is luscious. In the final verse, I'm having some tense confusion between 'would chase' and 'swooned'.
Yours, Tim
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Post by Jo Lynn Ehnes on Jan 28, 2009 11:20:23 GMT -5
I agree with Tim on the L sound, lucsious indeed reminds me of my S poem that time. I actually love the repeat of Silence and love the use of leached there. Good stuff Mags you were on a masterful roll yesterday.
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 28, 2009 19:34:10 GMT -5
This has changed a bit, you guys.
OK, more than a bit. ;D
Maggie
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Post by Timothy Juhl on Jan 28, 2009 23:39:51 GMT -5
Hey Maggie,
I like the second version, just not as well as I did the first. It feels (looks) disjointed. Did you mean for the weird enjambed 'salt-l'...I'm all for experiments, but I don't know that an editor would read it as such.
See you next week! Tim
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antman
EP Gold 750 Posts Plus
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Posts: 958
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Post by antman on Jan 31, 2009 18:36:38 GMT -5
I like the construction of this and find it exciting with the couplets and enjabs. Your fourth couplet confused me too. Your final stanzas are smooth and the language exqusite!
peace, anthony
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