Think Of It As A Saddle

[Timothy Juhl]

A forgotten farm and between the fields
fences wait

for day’s eyes to blink away
  a careless morning
for cattle to nuzzle
for the clean return
  of manure fertile and fetid
and for the ghost-whisper
  of flies whipping hindquarters
for flannel sheets fresh
  and flagging on the line
for canned cucumbers
  drowning in dill

and the fences wait
quiet
the guardians of a dream
empty and dark
the rusting sentries unmoved
by a house lost
in a broke-glass scream
the keepers of a farm
riding low and tired

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

I like this, Tim. It's quite deep, couple of thoughts



and the fences wait
quiet
guardians of a dream (think I'd rid myself of the)
empty and dark
rusting sentries unmoved (same here, I think it flows better without them)
by a house lost
in a broke-glass scream
the keepers of a farm
riding low and tired

Very nice read this morning.

[Timothy Juhl]

Jo Lynn,

Thanks for the feedback...I've been hounded by this one for a while too, never feeling finished and I think you just ironed out a couple of wrinkles for me.

Tim

[mfwilkie]

Tim, I'd like to see you punctuate this.

A couple of suggestions:


A forgotten farm and between its fields
fences wait

for day’s eyes to cancel
a careless morning

Still thinking on the rest of it.

Maggie

[Timothy Juhl]

Thanks Maggie,

I'm going to look into the 'cancel' suggestion, it follows something Lynn pointed out on PC. It's a good alternative, I'm just not sure 'cancel' as a the sound I want there. As for punctuation...I often think of them as clutter. I shall consider.

Yours,
Tim

[mfwilkie]

Think about ditching some of the 'for's in the 2S, Tim.

cancel a careless morning has a lovely ring to it, even if I do say so myself.

See you for coffee at 5.

Maaggie