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Table 3
Feb 12, 2009 1:04:55 GMT -5
Post by Timothy Juhl on Feb 12, 2009 1:04:55 GMT -5
Upon first read, alfredo, I'm not sure what you're going for here, although I like some of the images. I think you need to do something with 'elongation'...I don't know if there is less poetic word, but this one is right up there. And you might want to reconsider the double 'stands stand' in the final two lines.
Yours,
Tim
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Table 3
Feb 12, 2009 1:15:36 GMT -5
Post by mfwilkie on Feb 12, 2009 1:15:36 GMT -5
'fredo,
Made a couple of suggestions in this stanza which I think is the best of the lot but I'm not sure of its connection to the rest of the poem which reads like a disjointed list trying to be poetry.
Wish I could have liked it better.
Maggie
just like me
at table 3,
an old iron umbrella stand-
empty and redundant
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alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
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Table 3
Feb 12, 2009 14:14:28 GMT -5
Post by alfredo on Feb 12, 2009 14:14:28 GMT -5
I pressed the delete button but the result is unexpected – not absolute! The options are complete rewrite or leave it hangin’. Or is it danglin’
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Table 3
Feb 14, 2009 19:14:31 GMT -5
Post by mfwilkie on Feb 14, 2009 19:14:31 GMT -5
Revise, of course!!!!!  |
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alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
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Table 3
Feb 25, 2009 19:33:05 GMT -5
Post by alfredo on Feb 25, 2009 19:33:05 GMT -5
just like me
at table 3,
the old iron umbrella stand
..empty and redundant
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