Sunday

[mfwilkie]

It's been a long day and half a night
carrying Rumi at the back of my throat,
two leafs of Auden in a shirt pocket
with holes and some chap named O'Hara
under a hat that hides a cut that shows
the world just how square I am. With or
without the dangling earrings. I pause
for the back half of a cigarette here
and let new rain hit the tip of my nose
because everyday without you should end
with a little silliness for balance.

[Tina (Firefly)]

I JUST LOVE this piece, Magpie.

[purplejacket]

HI Mags, I love what's happening in the piece, but I have a few nits.
The first line doesn't do much, and I think you'd have a stronger start if you used the second.
I love the square shape of this, and the nuggets of detail, the earrings. The details mount as we read along with you here, making the experience of the poem build. And I love the twisted ending, like the opposite of a twist of lemon. I half expect someone to start g'thumping a guitar.

There is a turning point in the middle - at first you're mentioning all these past poets, and then it gets closer and closer to the speaker. I wonder how you'd feel about putting the guy at the back of your throat a little later - get things more and more close to the body? The guy in the shirt pocket first, the the one under your hat - your hair, the back of your throat. Just an idea - one that might not work.

Did I mention I love the ending?

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

I like how the title sets the tone of ardor for this poem. For my part, I think the poem is Ok with just this portion as a stand alone:

With or without the dangling earrings.
I pause for the back half of a cigarette here
and let new rain hit the tip of my nose
because everyday without you should end
with a little silliness for balance.

I do get the set up and thinks it's well written, perhaps you coudl flip the poem and let it read like this (plus an after all...as a transition)

With or without the dangling earrings.
I pause for the back half of a cigarette here
and let new rain hit the tip of my nose
because everyday without you should end
with a little silliness for balance.

After all, it's been a long day and half a night
carrying Rumi at the back of my throat,
two leafs of Auden in a shirt pocket
with holes and some chap named O'Hara
under a hat that hides a cut that shows
the world just how square I am.

whatever the case, it's a nice poem.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

I'm just waiting for your revision, Mags, a couple of good suggestions so far.

[wavemaker9 (Rick D.)]

I agree with Leo. It carries through much nicer.
R

[mfwilkie]

Interesting idea, Leo. I'll think on it.

Glad it seems to be working for all who've read, though

Mags

[lizbethbrown]

i could read the first 2 lines over and over. actually, i have. they are mesmerizing and we who like poetry, know just what you mean. wierd, i assumed the narrator was a man the first several times i read this. maybe it's the back half of the cigarette that is masculine to me. but that's what it's like when we have to toughen up, when we are alone again.

[mfwilkie]

Thanks for the look-see, lizbeth, and welcome to the site.

Have read both of yours and like what I hear on a first read.
I'm travelling at the moment and time at the keyboard is limited.

I will be back to them when I land in Mexico and have my puter
breathing again.

Maggie