The Proms (Rev:1)

[alfredo]

one hundred thousand
seated, scattered,
wandering the fringe
they step between picnic blankets
and brushed tartan cloths,
crushing the green tufts

among gathering dusk
musicians wait
to convey Verdi and Vivaldi
from the Victorian Pavilion
edging the crowded grass

flags flutter each side
the canvas covered
hospitality tents
and beyond
English oaks
frame the Maori Pa
hiding the memorial
to the fallen;

for the lips, thin crystal
to sip another mighty
New Zealand white
everyone rises for the waltz -
children and all

I sit back,
full of vibration,
arrested by the ghosts of heaven
that drift the blue-black sky;

waiting the artillery,
orchestrated to synchronise
fireworks and gathering strings
Tchaikovsky’s 1812

eyes flood
for my beloved

Aotearoa

[Marion Poirier]

Nicely done, Alfredo. The poem, for the most part,
flows smoothly; there are a couple of places that
are awkward. I'll point them out and leave it up
to you to revise if you choose. Marion

one hundred thousand
seated, scattered,
some wandering the fringe
they stepping between picnic blanket] (,) no,
and brushed tartan cloths(,) no comma
that crushing the green tufts

among gathering dusk
musicians wait
to convey Verdi and Vivaldi
from the Victorian Pavilion
edging the crowded green grass
(You have used green in a prior line)

flags flutter each side
the canvas covered
hospitality tents
and beyond
English oaks
frame the Maori Pa
that hiding the memorial ( I think you use that too much)to the fallen;

to the lips, thin crystal (this line is awkward)
to sip another mighty
New Zealand white
and everyone rises for the waltz - dash
children and all

sit back full of vibration (this line seems awkward)
arrested by the ghosts of heaven
that drift the blue- black sky;
waiting the artillery,
orchestrated to synchronise
fireworks and gathering strings
Tchaikovsky’s 1812
(above stanza should be broken into two sentences)

eyes flood
for my beloved

...Aotearoa (don't need ellipses here DS will
create a pause.)


Hope this helps, Alfedo, if not - please feel feel to ignore.

Marion

[alfredo]

Quick glance and I will adopt almost if not, all!

Thank's for the time /energy

(I was rather hopin' you would not see through the "thin crystal").

[alfredo]

Duly revised
for your eyes

[Marion Poirier]

Alfredo, of course I love your revision. Just one question
and suggestion:

for the lips, thin crystal
to sip another mighty
New Zealand white
everyone rises for the waltz -
children and all

I surmise you mean a crystal glass to sip white wine
that N.Z. is probably noted for.
I'd merely change the first word to for if I'm
reading you correctly.

Great poem, Alfredo - enjoyed immensely.
Outstanding imagery - felt as though I was there.

Marion

[alfredo]

done
that was
fun
but you
you give so much

[mfwilkie]

Hi 'fredo,

I like the poem. Think the images could use a bit more definition,
though.

I played with the first two stanzas to show you what I mean.

I'll be traveling the next few days. Will look in if I get the chance.

Maggie




a hundred thousand strong-
some seated, some stepping
between picnic blankets and
brushed tartan cloths, some
wandering the fringe -all
punishing the green tufts
of grass beneath their
beings

The hour is gathering dusk
and musicians wait to convey
Verdi and Vivaldi
from the Victorian Pavilion
edging the crowded expanse