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Post by Jo Lynn Ehnes on Feb 25, 2009 22:32:46 GMT -5
revision 1
rain pelted
an ambitious fox
who’d left the security
of his den
a critical mistake
for the fairytale ended
when chimes rang
midnight
and her courage
turned the page
original
the rain pelted down
on an ambitious fox
who left but for an hour
the solitude of his den
a critical mistake
for the chime rang
midnight
and the fairytale
came to an end
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Post by Marion Poirier on Feb 25, 2009 23:10:02 GMT -5
JL, hi there -
I know where you are coming from but IMO
it leaves a lot to the imagination. I'm sure there
are many who can relate, but for the populous, I
think it is ambiguous. This is obviously a metaphor
and it echoes of Cinderella who turned into a
non-entity at midnight - but why ambitious and how
does that relate to the rest of the poem?
I like the poem but clarity is needed- at least,
for this reviewer.
Marion
the rain pelted down
on an ambitious fox
who left but for an hour
the solitude of his den
a critical mistake
for the chimes rang
the midnight hour
and the fairytale
came to an end
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Feb 25, 2009 23:43:20 GMT -5
JL, I like the mystery of this, as well as the mood you have set here. I do agree with Marion's edits, which pare this down to what I believe is your intention. I don't think we, as readers, always have to know exactly what you were imagining..that's what we do best as readers --imagine!! So, for me, it's clear as those midnight chimes. Tina
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Post by mfwilkie on Feb 26, 2009 8:13:07 GMT -5
who left but for an hour
the solitude of his den
We know he has a den somewhere since you've identified him as a fox, so I don't think you need to tell us that.
I'd key on the your use of ambitious, great word choice by the way.
I messed with it a bit trying something that might be synonomous with midnight.
rain pelted an ambitious fox
out on the/a prowl-
but his fairytale ended when
someone turned the page.
Leaving Sherry's in a few. Talk to you soon from warmer weather.
Maggie
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Post by Jo Lynn Ehnes on Feb 26, 2009 11:21:28 GMT -5
Like that thought of turning the page, Mags, borrowed that. This is a true event and the den and his leaving is an important factor as is midnight.
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Apr 27, 2009 17:17:39 GMT -5
I just emerged from my deep cave and found this little jewel. I like what you've done with it JL. I too really like the turning the page reference. Ron
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Ken_Nye
EP 500 Posts Plus
EP Word Master and Published Member
Posts: 646
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Post by Ken_Nye on Apr 28, 2009 17:57:50 GMT -5
Hi, Jo Lynn. I assume the final version up top reflects Maggie's "turning the page" suggestion. i like it. I like the whole thing. I see this as a splash of images/references that don't make sense together nand that is the fun of the poem.
Ken
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Post by ramadevi on May 25, 2009 9:45:06 GMT -5
Love this. Especially turning the page!
Missed you since months, dear sister!
Love, rd
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