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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Mar 9, 2009 14:55:53 GMT -5
California Haiku
The silver sunshine, the cyan rain,
the dead Apple Macintosh
in a pile heap next to an empty,
tiny envelope of crack cocaine.
Crazy innovator with
corkscrew eyes, discovered
the cure for boredom in the silt
remnants of a 94 Syrah.
Revisionist history molds time and again
as told by the old stringy hippie:
feet in the sand, back to NY,
eyes consume Hawaii.
In open rebellion Hmong tribesmen
demand that the first be last
as they torch the Hollywood sign—
all that is left
Great Garbo
in a pile of
silent
ash.
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Post by purplejacket on Mar 9, 2009 19:14:45 GMT -5
Hi Leo. I enjoyed reading this, as usual, but I have a few nits. I'm not sure yet if I want to let you get away with invoking haiku. I appreciate the lack of qualm, the rebellious spirit in its length(s) when mentioning haiku.
You've broken all your stanzas at sentences, though one isn't punctuated as such. In my limited experience, this tends to make a poem come off as prosy.
Is a pile heap a colloquial turn of phrase? It seems redundant and a bit silly if not. There's a little typo, "an tiny." It's a tiny nit, but to me if the envelop is empty, then it's no longer "of cocaine." It could be an empty cocaine envelop, unless you're going for sound. I could let that go; it's really nit-picky, but if it's empty, then it's been relieved of being of cocaine. Finally, should I assume you mean Syrah, or was a girl's name used instead on purpose?
It took me a moment to get the image of the hippie on the beach, and that you're indicating his direction. Once I got it, I appreciated the image and its telling.
Unless you're going for something more like a straight-fashioned haiku in some of the language, you might reconsider some of the line breaks. For instance, if you put Macintosh on the next line, then you get the dead Apple, and later with a hippe's back to NY, you get to imply something of busy masses of death by city. Again, crazy innovator with corkscrew is a stronger image than either crazy innovator with or corkscrew eyes. (No comma after eyes, please.)
Eyes consuming something is a bit cliché sounding to me. I was reading a stupid online thingy a few days ago - people arguing about rap music. One guy said, "You know, most rap music is consumed by whites." And another guy responded, "Rap music is consumed? No wonder I never understood it. Have you had your % daily intake of rap music today? Rap is good with gravy or ketchup." Consuming Hawaii gives me the same feeling.
I liked these lines bunches & crunches:
Revisionist history molds time and again
...
in a pile of silent ash.
Not so sure about the open rebellion and the demand together. It might be a little heavy handed. I also think that stanza could benefit from having most of the little words removed. I hope it isn't writing it for you to show you this:
Hmong tribesmen torch
the Hollywood sign to make first last
Though I'm not really sure what you're trying to say with a demand that first be last.
Check this over for tense too.
As I said, I enjoyed this, but after giving it some thought, I'm not sure if I know what you're saying. I've never seen any of GG's silent films, though I get the idea that if I had, I'd have a better understanding of your poem.
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Post by mfwilkie on Mar 10, 2009 1:40:00 GMT -5
I like this a lot on a first read, Leo. Especially like the turn in the last two stanzas. Very nice. Agree with PJ the last two verses of the first need some attention, and that consumming Hawaii could be said more creatively.
For a moment, though, thought there was a typo: silt for silk,
and that Sarah could have left behind a remnant. ;D
Maggie
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Post by Marion Poirier on Mar 13, 2009 11:44:25 GMT -5
all that is left
Great Garbo
in a pile of
silent ash
Leo, this would be more consistent with a modern English ku
I like the five line arrangement but it could be misconstrued
for a modern tanka; however, the title California Haiku covers
your version. It's OK to use caps for clarity in line 2.
Excellent!
M
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Post by mfwilkie on Mar 21, 2009 0:55:50 GMT -5
Some suggestions to even out the bumps in the opening, leo.
Not sure what you mean 'pile heap'.
Love this ending.
Maggie
The silver sunshine, the cyan rain,
the a dead Apple Macintosh
in a pile heap next to an empty,
tiny an envelope of crack cocaine.
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