alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
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Post by alfredo on Apr 23, 2009 9:44:27 GMT -5
when evening falls
about my shoulder
and time steps slowly
along my path
when quiet has its way
and the owl
calls my name
then I
believe
forgive
me for
settling
on
my
knees
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Post by Marion Poirier on Apr 23, 2009 10:16:09 GMT -5
I love the simplicity of this poem, Alfredo.
My only major suggestion would be to use owl
rather than Morepork - even though you have
a note because it interrupts the flow when the
word is strange. Also, I think the poem is better
without the adverb sweetly - not needed.
Lovely poem - evokes a feeling of tranquility.
M
when evening falls
about my shoulder
and time steps slowly
along my path
when quietness has its way;
and the Morepork owl
calls sweetly
my name
then I
believe
forgive
me for
settling
on
my
knees
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alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
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Post by alfredo on Apr 26, 2009 5:38:56 GMT -5
Thanks Marion; I have taken up both your suggestions
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Ken_Nye
EP 500 Posts Plus
EP Word Master and Published Member
Posts: 646
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Post by Ken_Nye on Apr 28, 2009 18:07:40 GMT -5
Alfredo, this is lovely. I am wondering why you chose to put a semi-colon in that particular spot whenyou didn't use any punctuation elsewhere.)
Ken
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alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
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Post by alfredo on Apr 29, 2009 3:27:51 GMT -5
Hello Ken thanks pointing out the semicolon ..it was an oversight. And thanks to for your comments.
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Apr 30, 2009 14:38:23 GMT -5
I like it a lot, Al. The edits you've made were stregthening changes. My only suggstion is pretty subjective 'ness' endings sort of bug my tongue. What do you think of {the quiet}? I think it sort of adds to the personification of "Quietness". Regardless, nicely writ. Ron
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alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
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Post by alfredo on Apr 30, 2009 15:31:33 GMT -5
Wow how did I miss the obvious? thanks soooo much Ron...its done
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