Whose Son Is This? (Version 6 )

[Ken_Nye]

Marion, this had quite a visceral effect on me. I think it was the "Whose son is this?" line that got me.

I would suggest rearranging the modifying phrases in the first stanza so it reads:
A beggar in mud-splattered jeans
squats on a curb sipping coffee.

Sipping coffee in mud splattered jeams is too close to a misiplaced modifer, I think.

Ken

.

[Marion Poirier]

Thanks Ken, I like your suggestion, and I will use it.

I've made other changes and most likely there
will be more.

Thanks, my friend, for your valuable input.
Marion

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I agree with Ken on the power of the line "Whose son is this?"; I'm not sure but that could be the title.
My only thought was to unify the final stanza in one sentence with a comma after "sun" and changing "cast" {to casting}. That throws off the balance with the opening stanza though so I'm uncertain. Excellent as it is. Ron

[Marion Poirier]

Thanks Ron, I really like your suggestion for the title.
I would delete it from the body of the poem;
it's probably the best line in the poem. Trying to
think of another one for a replacement - have some thoughts.

Also like your other suggestion of combining
the two lines in the last stanza. I would omit ( its)
first word from the last sentence.

I may combine the two sentences in the first stanza for balance.

Thanks for giving me all this food for thought, friend -
very good suggestions. Always appreciate the feedback.


Marion

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

This one is not easy to forget, Marion. I like what you've done with it since I first read it several years ago..............

[Marion Poirier]

Thank you Jon, for reading and commenting again,
much appreciated.

A poem is never finished ......

Marion

[mfwilkie]

I had something similar in the first stanza to offer M, Ken.

Thinking a bit more on this, Marion.

Maggie

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

Marion:

I have to say that I am always drawn to how you present a poem... there is always a balance and simplicity that reflects your love for a type of symmetry which works well in this poem. What I don’t feel comfortable with are the choices and I think this comes from having experienced this scene and always coming away with an off-balance feeling to the situation and all that encompasses the moment. I don’t want to say that the opening is overplayed or heavy-handed but it is a stock image that renders the obvious. You put a lot into the opening stanza and for me, the dirty beggar squats and the faded khaki sleeve are pretty much flagged standard bearers for countless poems on the subject. The good thing is that you let up as the poem moves along but you can’t seem to get away from selecting phrases that evoke a generic feel and this may be your way of creating detachment and presenting a universal connection to the subject at hand but it leaves me unmoved... and this may be my own shortcoming for having read and experienced this venue enough to want more than the obvious when it comes down to touching on such a moment. Needless to say, this topic is not an easy write and one that requires more of the poet than the reader. I certainly commend you for taking on the task.

Tidings
Ron.

[Marion Poirier]

Thanks for taking a look Maggie. I'll be waiting ....

Ron, I agree with much that you wrote, especially about
S1 being too much in your face, not my usual style.
I've made a couple of new changes, actually a previous version-
needs more work. Thanks for the thoughtful input.

M

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Marion,

With the exception to preferring "A young man" to "a beggar", I really, really like the flow and feel of "Revision 3". Excellent work in any vein though. Ron

[Marion Poirier]

I'm going to work on this some more.

Thank you to all who responded. You are the poets
who keep this site on the web.

M

Note:

Reposted and rewritten as Boston Common.