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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on May 18, 2009 20:03:24 GMT -5
I.
There is a share of love in my hand,
it smells of almond dust and jasmine tea.
When I rub my fist against my palm,
put my knuckles to my nose,
my stretched and folded fingers
announce the song of a grand awakening.
II.
On a train headed south for the winter,
two lovers make love on the bunk of a narrow coach—
not a word said as they stare through each others hearts.
The grip of almond dust and jasmine tea clutch her back
with the desperation of the anxious wind.
III.
Still, she loves with the sound and scent of Spring.
For from the seeds of falling poppies
there is something like the day break—
it quickens, bold and orange—
so the story is told.
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on May 18, 2009 21:36:17 GMT -5
the reference to the grasping squirrel doesn't work at all for me. Otherwise, it is evocotive of a sensitive, kind of retro mood. I really like the feel and texture of it. I am a little unsure about the line 'For from the seeds of falling poppies there is something like the morning that quickens bold and orange' could you try leaving off 'that' and use an ellipsis there>? I also really like the couplets and assigned numerals for this. Good one!
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Post by Marion Poirier on May 19, 2009 0:54:56 GMT -5
Leo, I like the couplets and the pauses and the sparsity
of the poem. As far as almond dust and jasmine tea,
I don't get it - but understand it is personal. It does
not make a lot of sense to me - I'm the ultimate
pragmatist- although I appreciate creativity.
Very good work.
M
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Post by ramadevi on May 25, 2009 9:49:28 GMT -5
Excellent tone and presentation as well as originality in phrasing and style.
my stretched and folded fingers
announce the song of a grand awakening.
Loved that.
and this too
not a word said as they stare through each others hearts.
Solid work.
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on May 27, 2009 11:11:27 GMT -5
Leo, I like where you've taken this. Axing the squirrel was a good move I think. Part II line 2 what about dropping "lovers" and saying "Two make love..." and in the final line of Part II how about {an} anxious wind, instead of "the anxious wind"?
For my tongue a contracted {story's} works better than "story is". All minor insignificant things. The work is excellent as it is.
Ron
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