The Poetry Room (edited)

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

The Poetry Room (ver. 2)
.

White linen, black drapes, torn pages, soft pillows--
nothing altogether something not unlike but almost a dream.
Real pancakes: flavorful, dry, just too little or too much
of a good thing; maybe a glass of water waiting.

Colors dipped, daubed, sprayed; greenleaf, turtle-back brown,
blood so deep it wraps the heart in grief, or splatters a cheek just
above a fallen tear.

Academic polemic, bitter paste, or ripe, swollen, earthy palms
planting a world of hurt harvested, or magic.

The laughing girl opens a door. We all sing somewhere twice
then fall, rise again and call out the names of those we
can only hope to remember, after those who do-- vanish.





The Poetry Room
.

White linen, black drapes, torn pages, soft pillows;
nothing altogether something not unlike but almost dreamlike.
Real pancakes, flavorful, dry, just too little or too much of a good
thing; maybe a glass of water waiting.

Colors dipped, daubed, sprayed; greenleaf, turtle-back brown,
blood so deep it wraps the heart in grief, or splatters a cheek just
above a tear descending.

Academic polemic, bitter paste, or ripe, swollen, earthy palms
planting, harvesting a world of hurt, or magic.

The laughing girl opens a door. We all sing somewhere twice
then fall, rise again and call out the names of those we
can only hope to remember, after those who do-- vanish.[/size]

[mfwilkie]

Ron,

I like the experiment with language you have going on in the first
stanza, but I think you need to keep each line in it as sharp as it can be.

Lose the gerunds; they weaken what you're trying to do.

Unlike the first stanza, which just needed a tweak or two, Ron, the rest seems to be trying to be...

I would put some time between each one of these.

Mull each one a bit before you write it.

The stanzas remind me of lines in a ghazal.

Maggie


White linen, black drapes, torn pages and soft pillows—
nothing altogether something not unlike but almost a dream.
Real pancakes flavored dry, maybe a glass of water waiting.
or
Real pancakes flavored dry. Maybe a glass of water waiting.

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

Thanx Mags... some changes, edits.

tidings
ron

[mfwilkie]

How about this, Ron:

Colors dipped, daubed, sprayed; greenleaf, turtle-back brown,
blood so deep it wraps the heart in grief, adorns the cheek
with the movement/motion of tears.

[ramadevi]

I like this rich tapestry of detail, Ron. Well penned. I find no nits. Enjoyed it.