Off White (2nd Revision)

[determinedtofail]

Off White (2nd Revision)
(UPDATE: My wild orchid flowers are dying )

Words are tearing;
slower than my ears can stand
faster than my eyes care to follow.

How shall I write to you;
numb as hair
warm as fingers
with the science of a smile?

At times I like what
your teeth say to me.

Shall I bring you coffee?
Shall I bring you tea?
Anything to hold the magic of your words.

In the end
I sit at tables
with lungs and moisture
waiting for the orchids to open
as crumpled paper
stretches back at me.


(The title of this one is still undecided, any ideas?) I took some time with the rewrite on this one and changed much from the original. I tried to concentrate on a few images, search for more balance, and see where it took this poem's evolution

Words are Tearing
Slower than my ears can stand
Faster than my eyes care to follow.

How shall I write to you;
Numb as hair,
Warm as fingers?
With the science of a smile?

At times I like what
your teeth say to me.

Shall I get you coffee?
Shall I get you tea?
Anything to hold the magic of your words.

In the end
I sit at tables
waiting for the orchids to open
with lungs and moisture
as crumpled paper
stretches back at me.


How is it, I have missed this smell?

How I have missed this smell,
Like a woman beneath the sheets
with lungs and moisture.

A scent, a wisp
waiting to be found;
patient as curtains
numb as hair
warm as fingers.

It follows only a gentle night;
Sweeping cold wooden floors
across distances lined
with forgotten glassware
out, into wandering streets
and rib caged gutters.

It returns, it follows,
like old photos staring at our backs.

It holds a taut softness
carries a bell
wrought with secrets,
like a ceremony;
It does not provoke the eyes of the dead.

It calls to penitent ears
through a strange ringing language.

I answer it with eyes, with silence.
I do not need the words
to understand the sentiment.

[Marion Poirier]

Austin - The title is not appealing IMO -
just the words smell gives off a negative
impression. Scent or fragrance is better.

You keep referring to(it) many times -
I'd reword in most cases, eliminating it.

If you are referring to the scent of a woman -
why not use that for the title ?
(like the movie - no copyright on titles.)

(or you could substitute fragrance for scent.)

I'd get rid of the first verse -
the title covers that
and Id tone down the rest -
too rambling and focus more on the most relevant -
though I'm sure at this point you think it is all
relevant; however, I feel too much filler are like
weeds choking a garden.

Just some suggestions from my perspective
to consider.

M

[determinedtofail]

Marion,

Thanks for the feedback. You were right! The garden did feel cluttered and I was too tired seeing my overuse of the word, "It".

Poor little word (It).... I promise I will to try and not abuse you in the future.

The title of this one is still undecided, any ideas?) I changed much from the original and even the nature of the poem itself changed. I tried to concentrate on a few images and see where it took the revision. Still going to make other poems and hope to someday find a place for the ribbed caged gutters, and taut softness.

[Marion Poirier]

Austin, I like this revision very much - on first read. I
will have to read it several times to dissect it. I like
the way you think about using some of the lines
in another poem. I do that all the time - nothing
is really wasted but don't plant all your flowers
in one garden.

About the title, this is only my perspective - does not
mean I am right all the time - nobody is - not even me - lol!
however, I think short titles are more effective - say what
you want to say in the poem and just give a hint in the
title - don't give too much away. I may have some suggestions
later.

Ill get back to you probably sometime today with more
comments. Keep up the good work!
Marion

[Marion Poirier]

Austin, I noticed that you are inconsistent with using
initial caps and that is OK. The only thing is that the
initial caps should be used sparingly for emphasis
in certain places - just thrown in at random -
half and half - makes it look like flaws rather than
design. In the first stanza the initial caps only
hamper the flow and serve no purpose (IMO)

I would choose every word carefully as every word
is essential to a well-crafted poem - not as in journalism-
where one word may be as good as another and no big deal.
These are just my initial reactions to the poem.

The title may be as simple as something like Waiting.
I love the last stanza - waiting for the orchids to open -
only you don't have to use the whole line - the one word
will have readers wondering what you are waiting for.
This is only an example of where I'm going for the
selection of a title. Your previous title makes me not
want to read the poem, a turn-off.
What I'm attempting to do here is give you food for thought
if nothing else that I hope you will find helpful.
Excellent revision!
Marion


Words are tearing
slower than my ears can stand
faster than my eyes care to follow.

How shall I write to you( - dash
Numb as hair,
Warm as fingers (?)
Wth the science of a smile?

At times I like what
your teeth you say to me. (teeth?) Not exactly a soft image- over the top.voice would be better (IMO) or just eliminate teeth.
Shall I get you coffee?
Shall I get you tea?
maybe serve rather than get
or something else - think there is a better word choice
Anything to hold the magic of your words.

In the end
I sit at tables
waiting for the orchids to open
with lungs and moisture
as crumpled paper
stretches back at me.

Strong ending stanza. Speaks a lot.

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

I think you are trying to do too much and have chosen to rely on devices rather than the subject. It is not easy to pursue one's truth without getting into the ring and having the blows felt on a personal level... let that be your focal point... those blows are known and felt and flow from the experience.... they are truth first and poetry only when they survive the moment in such a way as to bring that moment forward. The poetry comes from this root and not from thoughts to conjure poetica. The world created from known moments breathes life and sustains itself and is the only device necessary.

I know it is there for you and you must first take yourself to those places gently one step at a time and each visit will give you an opportunity to listen and sense the experience in ways that allow you to be in the moment and aware of its range and purpose. This is the beginning... and after that poetry begins and shapes your own voice so that you don't have to try to be poetic... just honest, open, and willing to share your voice... even then... when you find that place... there will be many who find it unacceptable.... such is the way of the world... it takes a strong spirit with heart to be honest in self, earnest in craft and have the wisdom to keep faith and the creative self alive when others would have you be just like them... be who you are, take joy in your mistakes, have a sense of humor, be a good friend, and never let anyone impose their will upon you, unless of course the same light that shines through you also shines through them... and believe me... you will know the difference.

keep exploring.

tidings
ron

[determinedtofail]

Marion, thanks for the suggestions. I left the word teeth, for I often like to watch teeth. Just the nonverbal movement of the lips around teeth speaks volumes.

Ron, thank you. It is interesting to hear your thinking in regards to my poetry post and relying on devices. Working in the mental health field helps me to appreciate some of the topics you touched on.

I see words as relationships, that sometimes can be broken apart and transplanted elsewhere. Sometimes I create poems by repeating a phrase that will not leave my head over and over to see where it leads me. Some technique that actors use, I forget the actual Psych. term for that process. It sometimes helps me as a poet to illicit more words, emotion, create/ or transplant words into a poem.


Cheers,

Shawn

[Marion Poirier]

Austin, the new title is an improvement in my opinion -
but I think you can do better - it's not
what I like - it's up to the author - but that's why we post
here for feedback though there has been precious little of it
in the recent past.

However, I think something from the last stanza
would fit into the title. I just love the line about
orchids - How about Wilted Orchids or Dying orchids -
something on that idea. Table is quite vague IMO.

I think the only thing you have to do to improve your
writing is to curb your propensity for over-writing;
you are in a crowd of eloquent company, to be sure;
the rub being, often there is too much of it
to digest or appreciate.

My poems are usually written from a single thought,
but often go in another direction and end as something
very different than my original idea.

You are a very humorous poet with an aptitute for
satire - so if you like teeth - than teeth be it - LOL!
I, personally, would feel self-concious if anyone were
watching my teeth - though I've spent a fortune on them.

Sometimes your similes and analogies seem off -
but that may be intentional due to your gift of satire.
Cummings relied a lot on devices - to me, they
distracted from his poetry - but then God bless our
differences. I think you have a unique style and
have already come a long way in toning down the
excess. You can always use these discarded lines in
another poem as we discussed before.

In S2, Numb as hair does not connect to anything
for me - don't think hair can be numb though it
can be many things. That's the only place where
I think there is a bump; there surely is plenty
of emotion written in here - though, some like
myself are moved more easily than others.

Keep up the good work!

Marion

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

Austin:

Marion mentioned cummings and devices. I thought you might get some insight on how they can be used to infuse a work without crushing the flower. Personally, I never found the devices he used or invented to be distractions. He reached around the corner and found fertile ground.

here's a sample:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                                i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


tidings
ron

[determinedtofail]

Marion your teeth comments were honest and therefore it made them much more funny. "The teeth don't lie," Not to creep out or trouble others, I have practiced for many moons to shift my focus to my peripheral vision to watch the teeth, but still I'm sure I'm not always as slick as I think I am.

Ron thanks posting on the site. Interesting to see your style. Also, thanks for the E.E. Cummings post. I read some more of his poetry today, so you fueled my poetry searches. I will look some more at his work and think about the use or overuse of devices.


Cheers,

---Austin

[ramadevi]

HI Austin.
Again, I come to this after the revisions and find it polished and more precise.

No nits to pick.

Enjoyed it.

Sorry about your dying orchids.

Great title.

RON, thanks for sharing EEC's great poem. Never saw that one before.

[Marion Poirier]

Shawn, yes, the title is a good one.
Though I like White Orchids ---

Nice changes you made from get to bring you coffee.
Much smoother.

I'm still trying to figure out how hair can be numb -
maybe because it covers the brain?

I'm trying to think outside the box. <G>

Great revision and title.

Regards,
Marion

Sorry about your name confusion. Shawn. I thought Austin was your first name.

[determinedtofail]

Rama,

Glad that you enjoyed reading my poem and that you liked the title.
The orchid flowers are dead, but the roots live on! I plan on planting them on this waterfall trail I sometimes hike. Might be a better environment for them than my apartment.

Marion,

Thanks so much for pointing out the word GET. I liked your suggestion of SERVE. It brought me closer to the mood that I was going for with BRING. Good to hear yours and other poets here on this site's vantage points It helps me to think outside the box.
The scene from Cyrano DE Bergerac, where he makes fun of his own nose 20 different ways is also a great reminder to myself of thinking out of the box.

HAIR AND FINGERS

Here are a few notions I was thinking about hair and fingers.
Numb as hair can mean scientifically hair is dead, numb as people can be from too many bad experiences, cold you don't notice till you touch your own hair, numb as being objective enlightened awareness stuff, hair being part of your head. Numb, cold, emotionless, like when people are arguing or tired of hearing something. Plus, I like the feel of cold hair.

The forms I think of from warm fingers I see as a balance or counterweight to many of the images I connect with numb hair image. Also, it can be seen a point of rescue. Your hands have to be warm to be aware of the cold temperature difference. The David Hume sentiment before reason debate. Funny, warm hands at times annoys me, and at times others, because my hands are prone to sweaty hand syndrome.

Really hope this does not sound too preachy.

---Austin

[Marion Poirier]

Hi Austin,

Thanks for the explanation. It pays to ask.

I came out of the box for a look; now, I'm
ready to duck back in while I'm relatively coherent.


M