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Post by Jarlsbane - Michael Ray Cotner on May 28, 2009 9:37:26 GMT -5
gray clouds kiss green grass
wet and cloying
as the earth seems
immersed in stagnant pools
life drowning
with every heavy breath
the robin song
a lament
to a long dead sun
ashes and dust
swirling in the cosmos
cold
oh so cold
but who can tell
if the Willow
clawing the muddy bank
is sad or not?
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Ron Buck (halfshell)
EP Gold 750 Posts Plus
EP Word Master and Published Member
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Posts: 988
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Post by Ron Buck (halfshell) on May 28, 2009 11:07:01 GMT -5
I get this clear existential proverb hovering about this poem... there's a blistering speed of dynamic images and then a quick stop and observation... every thought is harsh and truncated as if the sparks supercede continuity. Pretty wild, indeed! Chaos delivering pathos? You never disappoint.
tidings
ron
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on May 28, 2009 13:14:33 GMT -5
Ditto to Ron's comment, Mike.
I like the skidding stop this one comes to after the cavalcade of images.
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Post by Marion Poirier on May 30, 2009 17:11:24 GMT -5
A melancoly poem - the first line
does not seem to fit the somber
tone of the poem - may be your intent.
Rain would make more sense, but
another verb would be less cliche (IMO).
A poem that does not have any punctuation
IMO needs stanza breaks - makes it much
more effective,
but that's a matter of preference so I won't
impinge any further on your voice.
Lots of good lines - enjoyed the read.
Marion
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Post by determinedtofail on Jun 2, 2009 3:30:14 GMT -5
Michael,
Thanks for sharing this.
After reading here is a slight rearrangement IMO that helps make those images a little more solid.
gray clouds kiss green grass
wet and cloying
as the earth's seems heavy breath
is immersed in stagnant pools
life drowning
with every heavy breath The bird drinking at stagnent pools and the breath from earth are close enough for the reader to participate and fill in space between the words.
the robin song
a lament
to a long dead sun
ashes and dust
swirling in the cosmos
cold
oh so cold
but who can tell
if the Willow
clawing the muddy bank
is sad or not?
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