What Matters.

[alfredo]

At a Mission Bay Café,
upset at the missing serviette,
my wife says I’m wasting time ..
..admiring the perfectly curved
seagull lift in the bouncing breeze;
on a day when the sea is pea green
and the sky pale blue.
Again the great thump of the wave
dashing all into a salty, sandy slurry
and moments later, the sliding roar
of its slow withdraw;
rubbing, clinking, scraping, gravelling,
shells, stones and bones.
A swirling disintegration;
reducing all to the elemental.
Large and small crash together;
back to the beginning of time;
washing everything back to genesis.

But later, under the hot sun, and a sliding tide,
sand dries and flows and caresses
warm, through the fingers of a man called Adam,
to the skin of Eve that lies beneath.
Now the salty smells bring smiles
to their frowning faces that look past
the wispy whites
all the way to the misty line
that separates them from what matters.

[zambatriste]

Gosh, oh, golly....That makes me miss the ocean! Beautiful, distict images. Loved "upset at the missing serviette"..so fussy, so proper...especially when rubbed against what matters.

"washing everything back to genesis" Wonderful.

Lara

[alfredo]

you are so very kind about my scribblin'...u appear to have a sense of humour ............beware

[MichaelFirewalker]

love the first strophe----it is strong and clear, and the images in it are alive----but I can't quite connect with the second one----can't make it real enough in my head----seems surreal to the point of unreal, and not believable----figure you must mean you and your wife as the Adam and Eve, but it doesn't come alive for me, and I just can't conceive of Adam and Eve being the ocean and its shoreline...probably just me, though...

michael

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hi Alfredo-

Loved the whole thing, especially your wonderful use of alliteration.

[alfredo]

Thanks for your commenting once more “Mikey” (a favorite son’s name) ..

The poem moves rapidly perhaps too rapidly, from the inane to the profound. The profound is often what I “get” observing changing, natural scenes.

No’ A and E are not wife and I. - merely central, elemental, figures in Genesis (the creation/beginning thingy..but I guess you know all that)

[mfwilkie]

I really like this, 'fredo.

I made some edits where I think you might tighten up the images
added line breaks to take advantage of them.
Don't think you need the frowns, btw.

My Voice, so throw out what doesn't work with your intent.

Nice.

Maggie

At a Mission Bay Café,
upset at the missing serviette,
my wife says I’m wasting time ...

..admiring the perfect curve
of a seagull lifting in the breeze;
on a day when the sea is pea green,
the sky pale blue.

All this against the roar of glorious waves
rushing the sand into twirls only to slide away;
leaving it to sort itself out;

And again
the great thump of the wave
creating a salty slurry of sand and sea.

Moments later,
the sliding roar of its slow withdraw;
rubbing, clinking, scraping,
graveling shells and stones
and bones —swirling disintegrations
reducing all to the elemental.

Large and small crash together—
back to the beginning of time,
washing everything back to genesis *Brilliant, this!

where under the hot sun and an easy tide,
the slurry flows from the fingers
of a man called Adam,
onto the skin of a woman named Eve
who lies beneath him.

The blending of air and sea and sand
bring smiles to faces that look past the
wispy whites to the mist line separating
them from what matters.

[LynnDoiron]

Much that I truly enjoyed in this; I, too, think some trimming, a little trimming, makes for a sharper poem. If mine, I would let bones end the lines on that area and delete the swirling disintegragions lines, then pick back up again with large and small crash etc.

[alfredo]

sorry I have not replied ...having INTERNET access problems ( I ve decided perhaps that is what matters!!).

Thanks for all comments especailly L and M.

Will dwell on them and be back soon ..again thanks

[ramadevi]

I like this alot. Also vote for a tiny bit of trimming...but cannot take time to suggest any (recovering froma surgery adn cannot sit at computer too long)...

Love the fresh, crisp imagery, and the general gist of the poem which i think is summed up nicely in these brilliant lines:

A swirling disintegration;
reducing all to the elemental.
Large and small crash together;
back to the beginning of time;
washing everything back to genesis.


PS...I also have some trouble with internet server crashes (Perhaps because i am located in India)....it can be frustrating. Good luck.

[ramadevi]

I like this alot. Also vote for a tiny bit of trimming...but cannot take time to suggest any (recovering froma surgery adn cannot sit at computer too long)...

Love the fresh, crisp imagery, and the general gist of the poem which i think is summed up nicely in these brilliant lines:

A swirling disintegration;
reducing all to the elemental.
Large and small crash together;
back to the beginning of time;
washing everything back to genesis.


PS...I also have some trouble with internet server crashes (Perhaps because i am located in India)....it can be frustrating. Good luck.

[alfredo]

Hope you are back well and healthly..thank you for your comments Rama. I still need to work on this one more i know but slothfulness pervades these days