Vanilla Meadow

[wavemaker9 (Rick D.)]

A new dawn breaks on
musk soaked limbs
and silken trims
of dewy floss.

A young fawn, cloaked
in an oak coat, plays;
her little limbs splay
and knocked-knees cross.

In the mid-March mellow
of a muffled soft mind,
fond memories entwine
with reindeer moss.

[mfwilkie]

Rick,

I like this, but it's almost too tight for me. I think the irregular rhyme scheme needs to be broken up a bit with an extra syllable
in the last line of each verse.
Probably just my ear though.

Maggie

A new dawn breaks
on musk soaked limbs
and silken trims
done in dewy floss.

Legs for limbs in the second stanza; you use the word in the first.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Rick, I like this, and I disagree with Mags that it's too tight. You could certainly add the plural to the last line of each verse with slight changes preceding it, but I'm not sure it's necessary.

My main suggestion would be to place either a period or a semi-colon at the end of S2 L2 to signify the shift. I tripped there on the first read. Nice wordplay.

Oops, edited to say that I agree with Maggie on using legs instead of limbs to prevent the repetitiveness...unless you did that on purpose, which may very well have been the case.

[zambatriste]

Lovely, Rick. I wouldn't change a thing....

Lara

[mfwilkie]

Reading it out loud several times, my ear wanted some balance for the 6 beats in the first verse of the third stanza.

This trips my tongue a bit, too, Rick

A young fawn cloaked
in oaken coat plays;

What about:
A young fawn, cloaked
in a coat of oak, plays;

Maggie

[MichaelFirewalker]

think he's trying for a marching sound, and wants to keep it tight to get that sound----maybe not, but that's how it strikes me as I read----read it three times----and it marches down the page with continual little jerks like the fawn's motions...

michael

ps----in S2-L2, think you need an oak, not a oak?

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Like it as written. I find a nice rhythmic cadence as well. Actually, I find it a teriffic piece of poetry..........!!

[wavemaker9 (Rick D.)]

Thank all of you for the input. This one, for me, was more for diversion therapy. So many people/things have needed my attention lately that a diversionary focus on an innocent scene was required to cleanse and rededicate a subjective commitment to empathize for positive result.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hi Rick-

I hope it served its purpose for you, but either way it was a fine piece.