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Post by Laura Stone on Mar 5, 2008 0:05:29 GMT -5
The House on the River
I opened the door to the little house that sat along the river’s edge where the sun filtered its light onto honey-colored floors and the afternoon’s haze crept through blinds; you were there, hands clasped contently, smiling at me from your chair.
On the reading table, sat a cut-crystal vase of white Casablanca lilies, their sweetness enveloping the room, and next to it, a small wooden box, tied with ribbon the color of winter’s blue sky.
From the hallway I could hear the faint sound of my favorite Ella Fitzgerald song playing, and as you stood taking my hands in yours you said, “It’s time to say goodbye to the pain of the past and look into the face of your now.”
Quietly you watched as I opened the wooden box revealing an old Victorian key lying on soft velvet. As I lifted it from its place, I saw the words engraved along the key’s spine: For now, For always, with me…
I had found my home, far from the loneliness that had long wrapped my life, near like the ocean or the flowering trees in spring; the field where our promise began, where your light burns my darkness away.
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Post by mfwilkie on Mar 5, 2008 10:45:32 GMT -5
Laura,
I like the tone and easy flow of your piece.
Love the image you offer here.
I opened the door to the little house that sat along the river’s edge where the sun filtered its light onto honey-colored floors and the afternoon’s haze crept through blinds;
Some thoughts:
On the reading table, sat a cut-crystal vase of white Casablanca lilies, its their sweetness enveloping the room, and(?) next to it, a small wooden box, wrapped* in tied with a ribbon the color of winter’s blue sky.
*wrapped is used in the last stanza.
What about 'From' to introduce this line? 'In' moves me visually away from the the images your describing in the first two stanzas.
In the hallway, I could hear the faint sound
From the hallway, I could hear the faint sound
In these two lines, Laura, there's a bit of a nit with how they are introduced. Maybe a full stop after 'life'. I think the nit is needing to know what's near like the ocean and the trees.
near like the ocean or the flowering trees in spring;
I like the romance in this, Laura.
Maggie
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Mar 5, 2008 16:42:24 GMT -5
It's a beauty, Laura, and Mags gave you some super helps----I have nothing useful to say, except it took me to that same place that I, too, love to go, from which I write of a love like your love, a love unadorned, and exquisitely, often painfully, alive...
michael
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Post by Laura Stone on Mar 8, 2008 13:55:51 GMT -5
Maggie,
Thanks for your suggestions. I have taken a few of them and am thinking on the ending stanza.
Michael, I appreciate your comment. This is quite alive, I agree...
Laura
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