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Post by Laura Stone on Mar 9, 2008 22:47:20 GMT -5
Morning
It was just last week your warmth
was bearing down on my skin.
The night air howled at the window,
and if a moment was lost by its calling
we didn’t notice-
we were far from the cold
of a winter’s wind.
We drank comfort in each other’s arms,
sang our embrace and when morning came,
dawn poured her light across the sheets;
our hands locked in stillness.
As you woke me; I felt your breath
at my back, your skin pressed against
the curves of my body and you held me close,
the beat of your heart alongside mine;
my darkness opening to you.
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Post by Sherry Thrasher on Mar 10, 2008 11:21:20 GMT -5
Excuse me while I sigh...sigh. Lovely, Laura. I wouldn't change one letter. This is a true keeper.
Sherry
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alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
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Post by alfredo on Mar 10, 2008 15:03:57 GMT -5
I too liked this too...more please
My favourite:-
and if a moment was lost by its calling
we didn’t notice
of your heart alongside mine;
my darkness opening to you.
I take it "inner-twined" is deliberate is .......if so its cool?
Consider:-
...for our place was far
from the cold winter, wind
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Post by Laura Stone on Mar 10, 2008 18:01:43 GMT -5
Sherry.... thank you. You have a romantic heart!!
Alfredo, perhaps 'far from the cold of a winter's wind'?
Thank you both for your read of this... I like its simple vulnerability and place.
Laura
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Post by Laura Stone on Mar 10, 2008 20:06:09 GMT -5
I might like to throw this out for consideration in the last stanza..... might I solicit thoughts on this?
You woke me;
your breath at my back,
your skin pressed to my curves
and as you held me close,
I could feel the beat
of your heart alongside mine;
my darkness opening to you.
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Mar 10, 2008 20:42:08 GMT -5
This is very beautiful, Laura. Due to the richness of the content, I'd consider some more line breaks to allow the reader to savor the loveliness.
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Post by mfwilkie on Mar 11, 2008 16:23:01 GMT -5
Laura,
What if you started this off with a question:
Was it just last week I felt your warmth
bearing down on my skin? The night air
howled at the window, and if a moment
was lost by its calling we didn’t notice—
we were far beyond the wind from a cold
winter’s eve.
For me, 'inner-twined' is excess; in the previouse stanza Voice
indicates that the two were already in tune with one another.
We drank comfort in each other’s arms,
sang our embrace, and when morning
came, dawn poured her light across the
sheets; our hands locked in silent reverie.
In the last stanza, Laura, consider adding 'And when' to slow the image down just a hair, unless you want the abruptness of 'You woke me". In which case, you might consider saying:
You woke me with with your body melded
to the curve of my back.
And when you woke me; I felt your breath
at my back, your skin pressed against the
curves of my body and as you held me close,
the beat of your heart alongside mine; my
darkness opening to you.
On question of flow of images/idea/story:
if you were already awake in the second stanza to see
dawn pouring its light across the sheets and noticed
your hands were joined, does it follow that he would wake you in the third?
Again, there's excellent and consistent tone in this piece,
Laura. You might look at some stronger word choices, reverie, for instance, but this is a promising draft.
Maggie
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Post by LynnDoiron on Mar 11, 2008 21:35:48 GMT -5
Very promising. I think you've been offered excellent ideas. Thanks for the read.
lynn
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Post by Laura Stone on Mar 17, 2008 20:04:47 GMT -5
Jonathan, Maggie, and Lynn... I have revised and ready for a look now... thank you for your suggestions....
Laura
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Post by LynnDoiron on Mar 18, 2008 10:25:30 GMT -5
Laura -- It's been a long time alone for me but Wow does this poem make me wish it weren't so, wish for a morning like that!
It was just last week your warmth
was bearing down on my skin. [I liked M's suggestion for opening with question; I think the reason I liked it is because when presented in questionform relieves some of that pressure of the bearing down. When I've only read your opening two lines, the sense I get is one of oppression -- not what I think your intent is. Also, as a question, for me, it makes the revelation a private thing, like an interior thought. Finally, the It was opening sets me up for an ending that has moved out of the past tense and into the present. Which, now I reread your end stanza, could work beautifully with a few tweaks [wake, feel, presses, etc.] into the "now" moment.
The night air howled at the window,
and if a moment was lost by its calling
we didn’t notice-
[we were far from the cold ] this line weakens the we didn't notice line for me;
[of a winter’s wind.]
We drank comfort in each other’s arms,
sang our embrace and when morning came,
dawn poured her light across our locked hands
the brightening sheets;
[our hands locked in stillness.] [Just me fooling around with other ways you might arrange the images; I wanted your hands hit by that light first, then the covering, and I have no good reason as to why . . . so ignore, please. ]
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