In Wait, Dream

[kgw2004]

If words could voice the hopes of love
And Heaven’s will to sooner move,
If goals were more than vacant dreams
And promises a vat of creams,

A glance would all I need to fall
And deeper still upon thy call
To dress thy brow with lilac blooms
And bathe thy soul in sweet perfumes.

I dream and only so in hopes
That thou would speak my name on slopes
Where I have yet to tread and see
Thy beauty shine against the sea.

I have and still I shall remain
Until the day thy heart I gain.
Then dreams will I no longer need;
For then is truth and not my greed.

**************************

Should I remove the first stanza? The title would need to change if so. I am a bit uncertain of it.

[MichaelFirewalker]

if this were mine, I would completely rewrite it as free, contemporary verse----it's too hard to write in this old style without using cliches both in rhyme and phrase choice, which you have done----the result is that your poem sounds unreal, and forced----but I can feel the power and the sincerity of your emotion in it, and it's a shame to waste that on something that doesn't do it justice...

there is one poet here, who can help you with this poem in this same style----his name is David Nelson Bradsher, and He is one of the site administrators----he hasn't been in this forum in the last few days, so why don't you send this poem to him in a pm and ask him to help you?----he is a most gracious person...

respectfully,
michael

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Likewise, I can't offer much help with this style, K. I wouldn't drop the first stanza though. I struggle with the language style, but there is a musical quality to the verses for me, and as you know, David is the man when it comes to metered verse.
Ron

[antman]

I believe the meter is good and one of the
few here who appreciate archaic language.
I find it romantic and challenging.
I feel your poem is deep and like the
way you finished.

S/1, L1&2
love and move, do not rhyme and
that may be what confuses the meter for some.
A better word choice is needed there.

Maybe,
And Heaven’s will to move thereof
or
And Heaven’s will to move above
or
And Heaven’s will might well-thought-of

Nonetheless, I enjoyed your poem.

peace,
anthony

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Sorry I've been away. Good to see you here again, KGW. I'll try to get to this a little later today. I have some thoughts.

David