In the Green Waters of Death (revision)

[Tina (Firefly)]

I accidentally deleted the first draft from the original post. (how do I do these things!! So here is the revision. Hope you can all figure out why there are "two" poems with the same name.




Mel died. He said he wouldn't--
told us all his illness was temporary,
then ordered a teal-blue Jag coupe
with tan leather heated seats.

Thursday morning I sat next to his friends
while Rev. Horne preached about eternity.
I said the twenty-third psalm and thought
about green pastures and the shadow of death
Mel lied.

Mel cried the day I visited him at the hospital.
I looked at the picture of him in his Navy whites
and saluted the officer inside the man who lay there.
His ship was headed across the bar. Mel tried

to hold back the waves at high tide.

[LynnDoiron]

In this version I'd omit "the waves at" and go with "to hold back high tide. I sighed."

lynnie [good coffee, good mug, good memories]

[MichaelFirewalker]

Tina, I am going to do a big no-no and write your poem with a few really teeny changes---- so please tell me what you think of them?

Mel died. He said he wouldn't--
told us all his illness was temporary,
then ordered a teal-blue Jag coupe
with tan leather heated seats.

Thursday morning I sat next to his friends
while Rev. Horne preached about eternity.
I said the twenty-third psalm and thought
about green pastures and the shadow of death[.]
Mel lied.

Mel cried the day I visited him at the hospital.
[on the day I visited him in the hospital, Mel Cried.]
I looked at the picture of him in his Navy whites
and saluted the officer inside the man who lay there.
His ship was headed across the bar. Mel tried

to hold back the waves at high tide.[Mel tried to hold back the waves at high tide.]
I sighed.


notes:
1. I changed this line, "Mel cried the day I visited him at the hospital." because I think it's too abrupt with "Mel died" beginning the line right after the line before it ended with "Mel lied."

2. And for the "Mel tried" part, I let its line begin with "Mel tried" because here, it's not too abrupt, but it punches like it needs to----methinks that splitting it apart into two verses, like you did, reduces the power of that punch too much, and jars the reader...

3. For the last and very important ending line, I added "and said good-bye." because that way all the rhyming Mel phrases can flow softly into a finale----with out that there, again, I think it's too abrupt, and you don't want to sound abrupt there, you want to end it, so it needs to sound gently endish...

love ya,
michael

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Strong stuff, Lady, it strikes me as a solid and very moving piece of work. I do like Lynn's suggested close. Either way this is powerful. Ron

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

I played with this:

Mel

died,
he said he wouldn't—
just ordered a teal-blue Jag coupe
with tan leather heated seats.

Mel
sighed.
I know he did
that Thursday morning,
while Rev. Horne preached of eternity.
I prayed the twenty-third psalm and thought
about green pastures and the shadow of death.

Mel
cried
the day I visited him at the hospital.
And I looked at the picture of him in Navy whites,
saluted the officer inside the man.

Mel
tried
to hold back the waves at high tide,

his ship already headed across the bar.