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Post by sandpiper on Mar 13, 2008 22:24:41 GMT -5
(seems my muse has turned to stone, so here's another older one to play with...)
passive resistance
What frail sense of valor
set at half past hope
(and quarter 'til forgiveness)
brought you to my door?
Ripe taste of wine on your breath
and the blood of her,
red as the gash upon your lapel,
coursing through every pore
with the thrum of the beat
of the love that you made-
handcrafted of fire and silk-
filigree gildings
of the tang of guilt
made all the more savory
that sweet flavored milk.
Ah, now go,
follow your stumbling feet
down the walk,
I'll return to my leather bound spell,
and stop all my watches
and ticking clocks
as I glance past the curtain
at one final farewell.
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Mar 13, 2008 23:39:30 GMT -5
I couldn't find any playing to do with this one. I really like the voice and the images seem clear and sharply presented. I might strike "Ah" from line one of the final stanza, otherwise no ideas from me. Ron
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Post by sandpiper on Mar 15, 2008 9:48:02 GMT -5
Thank you Ron for taking the time.
Do you think
"Now, just go"... would work?
or just take that beat out completely; "just go"
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Post by LynnDoiron on Mar 15, 2008 11:33:38 GMT -5
piper -- I will make errors here because I think you've written this with a particular metered pulse and my meddling will foul all of that up. So, am asking you forgive this old free-verser before I even start . . .  What frail sense of valor set at half past hope (and quarter 'til forgiveness)brought you to my door? Ripe taste of wine on your breath, and the blood of her, her in the red gash on your lapel. coursing through every poreHas the thrum of the beat of the love that you made- handcrafted of fire and silk- filigree gildings of the tang of guilt made all the more savory that sweet flavored milk? Ah, now go. follow your stumbling feet
down the walk,I'll return to my leather bound spell, andstop all my watches and ticking clocks, as I glance past the curtain at one final farewell. [and that's about all the damage I can cause on one pretty nice poem before I put my hand to it. Favorite stanza is the middle one -- love the bounce of it.] lynn |
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pelos
EP Gold 1000 Posts Plus
My heart to joy at the same tone And all I lov'd - - I loved alone.
Posts: 1,020
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Post by pelos on Mar 16, 2008 16:21:41 GMT -5
What a heart wrenching read - so painful yet a sliver of satisfaction I feel
runs through it - the only playing I would suggest is this:
Ripe taste of wine on your breath
her blood,
red
as the gash upon your lapel,
coursing through every pore
but even as is a great piece of work - and as lynn said this is all the damage I care
to even attempt. Love it.
pelos
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Mar 16, 2008 20:37:03 GMT -5
it dances
and it bleeds
all in perfect time
rather like the incubus
who excels there too
although your step's
too peppy yet
for that black
wraith to spot
you vacant-eyed
in bed beneath
a full moon
unshielded
you are not...
michael
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