Face East

[alfredo]

long shadows roll
paper cups
along the shore

skies modify
smokey to sharp

by six, land and cloud
silhouette

birds flap as joggers pass

at seven, volcanic pink
across the heaven

a brown man without haste
spears and places all we hate
in a dark plastic space

an incrementing diamond
sets alight Achilles Point
golden lines across the sea
all the way to me

by eight, all's replaced
by dappled white –
beautifully spaced

no need
to face the east




to the army of people whom, before dawn,
clean up after us all.
Achilles Point = elevated sea vantage

[MichaelFirewalker]

alfredo----you have some excellent and acutely visual images here----having spent a lot of time at sea, I can really relate to the long, slow procession of changes you describe as day moves into night----I lke the way you used rhyme----I like the flow----here's my fav S:

"golden lines across the sea
all the way to me"

that is sooo real,
michael

[LynnDoiron]

There is something lovely about time movement through this, alfredo. I like the shifts in color, the changing passage of day. Two small nits for me. The first one is "quietly" in L1. I can't think how else shadows would roll except quietly, AND when I read the line as "Long shadows roll / papercups along the shore" ------ I see the cups rolling there, in the dusk rolling in or the dawn rolling out. Anywho, quietly takes away from the line for me because it tells me what I can already see.

The other little nit for me was the plastic space line; would prefer a black trash bag be called a black trash bag -- All of the time and color changes show a clarity of image, but the trash bag is, well, like "poetically rendered" and that rendering obfuscates.

But I like the poem a lot.

lynn

[alfredo]

Lynn both your points - well made and taken

1. Quietly has quietly nay exited, deftly left

2. But the "space" could be “bin to which the trash bags come to rest prior to transportation”

I confess plastic bag was the original ..so ideas please!!

Some alternatives:

in dark plastic space bags

inside a dark plastic space

[Marion Poirier]

Alfredo, your poetic growth is apparent in this poem.
Really sharp images here. I can see the scene vividly.
A couple of suggestions for word changes to consider.
You really don't need dark space as you have spaced
a few lines below. Incrementing diamonds needs to be
more connected to following lines and really not needed-
but could work with a preposition to join. Merely suggestions
to take or leave.
Marion


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
long shadows roll
paper cups yesterday's trash
along the shore

dark skies modifydissolve
to a smokey glaze

by six, land and cloud
silhouette

birds seagulls flap as joggers pass

at seven, volcanic pink
across the heaven

a brown man without haste
spears and places all we hate
in a dark space black bags

incrementing diamond vague

soon, Achilles Point
is set alight

golden lines across the sea
all the way to me

by eight, all's replaced
by dappled white –
beautifully spaced

no need
to face the east

[LynnDoiron]

my gosh, alfredo! great revisons! please don't lose the paper cups, they give me the image and the roll. much enjoyed reading this today, even the dark space failed to bother me at all. lynn

[alfredo]

Thanks Mags and Lynn - flattered you took the time. Forgive me if most but not all, were Incorporated

[alfredo]

Finally ...what was:-

an incrementing diamond

soon, Achilles Point
is set alight

is now:-
an incrementing diamond
sets alight Achilles Point

[Marion Poirier]

Alfredo, this has come a long way since the original.

Beautiful write. I love the way you rewrote verse 7,
that was my main concern; it seemed to be
tossed it there without a joining phrase before
you revised.

BTW: You have me somehow confused
with Maggie.

Warm regards,
Marion

[mfwilkie]

What's bothering me about the poem is the opening; the idea of long shadows moving the paper cups.

I know, I know, imagination and all that, but, and I may be too linear, but something moves (I'm thinking sun) to create the long shadows; they don't create themselves.

I think the opening could be improved, 'fredo.

Maggie

long shadows roll
paper cups
along the shore

[alfredo]

in the dark before dawn incoming waves appear as moving shadows.....but I do not mean for you to get up early, travel to the beach, to see it the way I did.. thanks Maggie ..will dwell on it more

[mfwilkie]

'fredo,

For seven years the sound of the sea sang me and mine to sleep.

In less than a minute I was on the sand, and in three, in the water, morning, noon or night.

I can't get a handle on your meaning waves in that first stanza.

Maggie