Names Better Left Unsaid

[LynnDoiron]

You will not stay put, will you, but
heave out
the clots holding love.
Then she was
the den and the lair, a hive
honeycombed white,
a slice
of pale bread gone dry.

So those planets kept spinning
like plates struck
on sticks
until the stickmaster
died.
Who bound up
your hands, but she
with pine-needle weavings
and sap,
thunder gone red
to poke holes in rivers
we never ran,
never quilled, yet
these words crisscross the water so loud
on heron-clear dawns,
on kingfisher days,
egret noons,
and loon evenings of Saturn: you
will not,
you will not stay put
and my feet tire of dancing
your graves flat again
and the sod tires
of rethatching itself
where you heave,
where you heave yourselves
up and through.

I could handle you, my love.
It is the pair of you
in a long twilight’s plum,
in dawn’s apricot,
noon’s lemon,
midnight’s luminous orange
when her orgasms
splinter the perfumes
of places we have lain
and the skin
I owned
I never did –

then, the eye opens
too far,
acid comets
fall in.

~

[alfredo]

Fantastic: first impression will say more later when more time (to refine)

[MichaelFirewalker]

stark and brilliant----pain so hot it feels like ice---- the rhyme helps the poem's teeth sink in even further----there's no hope in these lines, or possibility of change----there is only the maddening wait for death...wow...


michael

[mfwilkie]

lynn,

Read this again and it gets better each time I read it.

Here's that suggestion again: I think the assonance of the 'f's with the addition of 'from' in place of 'of' is the way to go.

After reading it again several times, you could say:

then, the eye opens
too far—
acid from comets
falls in

or

then, the eye opens
too far—
and acid from comets
falls in

[LynnDoiron]

thank you alfredo, michael, mugs.

how about

then the eye opens
too far,
acid comets
fall in.

OR, after ending previouds line with full stop.

When the eye opens
too far,
acid comets
fall in.

[Sherry Thrasher]

I'll be back after I run to Neruda and through your poem once again. Too bad we're not neighbors (I'd make you insane with questions)

Sherry

[Marion Poirier]

Awesome, Lynn.
I particularly love the images below-
so rich and filled with vibrant colors.
As for the poem, I think it is so personal that only
the author can fully understand its meaning-
or else I'm not bright enough. I do love the
language and style- and yes, the pain does
come searing through.
Your writing has changed since last I read you-
the depth and imagery even stronger.


I could handle you, my love.
It is the pair of you
in a long twilight’s plum,
in dawn’s apricot,
noon’s lemon,
midnight’s luminous orange

A great read!
Marion

[LynnDoiron]

Thanks. I tend to wallow in the lines of whatever poet I am reading and I try very hard to allow them, those poets, often dead, to mentor me, at least for awhile. Just lately, Neruda and Lorca have been filling my eyes with rich and succulent passions for phrasings . . . In the suite of poems I had finished reading by Neruda [before I wrote the Names Better Left posted here], he had celebrated "Love" . . . I just chose to celebrate "Betrayal"

Thanks for very kind comments. Much appreciated. But I have such phenomenal teachers!

lynn

[Vasile Baghiu]

I like the powerfull, effective and human sadness in this poem, Lynn! It is as any great love poem must be.
Vasile

[Nan]

Lynn, I can see Pablo's influence in this poem. He inspires me to write as well. You have so many great lines in this poem, especially in the third stanza. I allowed your work to mentor me. Stunning work!

Nan

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I am attempting to teach Neruda to high school seniors right now, fill out reams of retirement paperwork, transist ot the university, get Howard Starks' book back in print and find time to review and write. This reminds me of why it's all worthwhile. You grasp Neruda and even absorb enough of him to produce Doiron. I love it. Ron