Grey Day (MOD1)

[alfredo]

Grey Day

overcast
May day
a grey day
colours subdued
by sameness
sky merging
with wet black
tarmac

except, catching my eye
sparrow's flying in formation
a come and go salutation
and hidden snails
leave silvery trails
iridescent, glistening
this way and that
under the sun

[Marion Poirier]

I think you are repeating yourself too much Alfredo.
I don't think you need to introduce the dog into the poem.
The title suggests you are referring to the weather.
Just a couple of suggestions. Also, I'd drop
the caps at the beginning of each line. Marion


Overcast
May day -
a grey day,
Matching colours. Subdued by sameness
sky's merging
with the black wet tarmac
Except,[ catching my eye
to brighten my the day. period
Sparrowss flying in formation
diverging hello - goodbye. period
A come and go salutation

Hidden snails
left over sluggish
silvery trails,
lines iridescent, glistening
on pathway rocks
this way and that.
stanza break

In the sun, glittering. These snails cross
some a flowery rocky path, comma
Silvery
this way and that. period
Except
Ears pricked and listening
Panting dripping
Frantic petals falling
Drat that dog

[alfredo]

Agree with almost everything you say...that'll teach me to slip in something I wrote some time ago ...

Hey thanks for taking the time ...

truly appreciated

[MichaelFirewalker]

good for you, alfredo----are you going to do a revision for us?----methinks the poem is worth one...

love,
michael

[pelos]

I am bringing this back up for your consideration of revision
would like to see what you would do with it. Me thinks plenty
and plenty me thinks. pelos

[alfredo]

pelos

thanks, you forced a re-look

but the look was perhaps too quick

[Sherry Thrasher]

Grey Day

overcast May
colours subdued-
sky merging
with wet black
tarmac

catching my eye
sparrow's fly in formation
a come and go salutation
hidden snails
leave silvery trails
iridescent, glistening
this way and that
under the sun

[LynnDoiron]

Grey Day -- alfredo, I'm wondering about this title. In the end, the poem seems not so much about how gray the day is/was, but instead about how life moves inside what seems colorless -- know what I mean? The other thing I wanted to mention for sure was that sparrow's as written is a singular sparrow with possessive 's, for the plural omit the '

Perhaps a modifier for overcast?

an overcast
May day
a grey day
colours subdued
by sameness

(damp) sky merged [to parallel past tense subdued *2] [maybe a modifier like 'damp' for sky]
with wet [black] tarmac [just me, but black seems unnecessary, except for sound, and *3]

except, catching my eye
sparrow[']s flying in formation
a come and go salutation [add hyphens to come-and-go]

and hidden snails [perhaps swap places with line that follows with a little reworking?]
leave silvery trails
iridescent[,] glistening [if you omit , then the glistening becomes iridescent -- your intent, i think]
this way and that
under the sun [for me, a stronger ending if left in the gray day with the life you've given]

[*1 - both 'overcast' and 'grey' have taken color out of the the image; if mine, i would let subdued stand without colors so that it applies to the 'feel' or 'tone' of the day itself]

[*2 - this is just a personal preference, ignore if it fails to ring right for your voice, al. the reason i like the -ed ending is because it stills the moment, puts the observer/reader in the merged grayness so that when the sparrows move, it's the first movement in the poem and has wee bit more impact, maybe?]

[*3 and I would forgo the black/tarmac sounds and let the hard 'c' sounds of tarmac/except/catch have their play with the ear]

New Title

an overcast
May day
a grey day
subdued
by sameness

damp sky merged
with wet tarmac
except, catching my eye
sparrows flying in formation
a come-and-go salutation

and silvery trails
left by hidden snails
iridescent glistening
this way and that