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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Apr 4, 2008 9:27:12 GMT -5
Do you remember that first poem I wrote for you,
the one about my exotic attraction--
how I could somehow feel your exquisite pain
as though I were carrying ten buckets of wet sand
from the Black sea, and love weighed me down
in ecstasy? Well, I've changed my mind.
I like it better when the good times roll.
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Post by Sherry Thrasher on Apr 4, 2008 9:54:09 GMT -5
Ouch! Hell hath no fury like a woman pissed off  Ten buckets of wet sand? Now, that is a load. Sherry |
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Post by Marion Poirier on Apr 4, 2008 11:02:28 GMT -5
I really like this one, Tina- a poem about love and pain.
I suggest a small change because I think ecstacy is
contradictory-not really, but somehow it lessens the
impact of ten buckets of wet sand-perhaps another
word like obsession rather than love.
Marion
Do you remember that first poem I wrote for you,
the one about my exotic attraction--
how I could somehow feel your exquisite pain
as though I were carrying ten buckets of wet sand
from the Black Sea, and love obsession
weighed me down in ecstacy? (line break)
in ecstasy? Well, I've changed my mind.
I like it better when the good times roll.
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Post by Sherry Thrasher on Apr 4, 2008 11:15:33 GMT -5
Marion has a point about obsession. Good eye, Marion.
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Post by LynnDoiron on Apr 4, 2008 12:36:20 GMT -5
I agree to marion's point, except that when the poem mentioned in L1 was written, it was written with that exotic love thing going on and all that weighty ecstasy. I think if obsession is used, it needs to come after that saucy, southern, changed my mind line
End line is what doesn't quite work for me. I like it better when the good times roll. Wondered about something like: I like it better now the sand's emptied / back where it ought be / under the waves' licks to shore.
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Apr 4, 2008 16:26:58 GMT -5
oh yeah...obsession...isn't that what we've been taught to call love when it doesn't work out?----guess it wasn't love, after all----I was just obsessed!......riiiiight...
poem struck me as both sad and funny, and very real, in a "been there, done that" kinda way----reminded me how romantic love usually begins with that "exotic attraction", and if we're lucky, it remains, energized by being continually bathed in mutual giving----if we're not lucky, we either tank, or let ourselves get pissed enough to start the good times rollin' again someplace else----and then we look back, and laugh...
love ya girl,
michael
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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Apr 4, 2008 16:37:23 GMT -5
I very much enjoy the internal rhyme in this poem. I love tyhe symbolism of Black Sea (uppercase). I think the intro sentences need an image and I think the last line could be better more fresh.
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Vasile Baghiu
EP Gold 1000 Posts Plus
EP Word Master
poetry is rather a matter of life than art
Posts: 1,385
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Post by Vasile Baghiu on Apr 5, 2008 12:36:33 GMT -5
I like the poem, Tina, not to mention Black Sea's presence, which is my Romanian sea that I like to go each summer...  Vasile |
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Apr 5, 2008 14:04:46 GMT -5
I like the poem, T- yet-
If I feel someone's exquisite pain, I want to see an image that reflects it. It's got to be sharper and more poignant than carrying a heavy weight. It's more like a knife through the heart. (Unless I'm misreading.)
I like the light contrast of the ending......that's sharp!
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Post by Marion Poirier on Apr 5, 2008 15:39:50 GMT -5
Tina, I'm wondering if the last line is connected to
the title? It took me a while to get it-but if intententional
it's brilliant.
Marion
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Post by mfwilkie on Apr 6, 2008 9:45:58 GMT -5
T, I've read this several times and have a question.
What if you came at this from another direction, from the 'changed mind' direction, to pick up the tone of that line, and giving some concrete examples of what it was lke 'when the good times rolled'?
Something like:
I tore up the first poem I (ever) wrote for you,
shedding the weight of ten buckets
of your exquisite pain and my imagined-
ecstacy in loving you in the process.
'Imagined' probably isn't the right word here, T, but I used it
to give energy to the idea that maybe something eye-opening might have happened to give the Voice a different perspective on the person for whom the original poem was written. Like maybe their star-quality, or hero-status, or Valentino-first impressions faded and the real or preferred status of the relationship is seen or wanted.
And what about considering perfect or striking as a modifier for pain rather than exquisite? I think a change there would relieve the bit of cliché that clings to using the combination of exqusite and ecstacy in a short piece.
OK, that was more than one question.
Hi to Richard and Eric.
Maggie
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Apr 6, 2008 21:12:11 GMT -5
I've been out of town for several days and just now saw all these terrific replies to my little poem! I'll look carefully at all that all of you said, and then get back to work on it. Thanks so much for all of your help and interest! Tina
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Ten buckets of wet sand? Now, that is a load.
