A Cowboy Sonnet

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

A Cowboy Sonnet

The wind wears November like an old blue coat
and sings the air into falling leaves;

it rattles branches in a turquoise sky,
whispering cool daylight into the setting sun.

I stand in the center of its autumn-ending tune,
and feel the long low notes press a song into my skin,

winter music, reminding me that you’re gone --
a small blue flame in the night that winter weaves.

I never dreamed I’d lose you,
never knew the winter stars could come undone.

Who’ll bring me through December now,
lead my Oklahoma heart to springtime once again?

I wonder why the chorus is always so damned sad;
if Chris LeDoux was singing, I wouldn’t feel this bad.

[LynnDoiron]

doggon'it, ron -- i like this. But you made me want to figure a rhyme scheme throughout [and i tried, that turquoise sky knows, I did try] once i had the rhymed end words of final couplet [which i like, but . . . ]

let me say that i love the image of wind wearing November -- such a physical stance I get from that -- very powerful [you know, like ghostriders in the sky, although this is completely different and not that image at all, but powerful and big, in a big way, to me.]

more later -- me

[ramadevi]

This is a perfect poem, alive with your very unique and wodnerfulpoetic voice, vivid with detailed imagery that engages all the senses...one feels the wind on the skin (like an old blue coat), one hears the song of leaves

I stand in the center of its autumn-ending tune,
and feel the long low notes press a song into my skin,
(loved this phrase)!

One can see the sky, the autumn-ending-tune's full spectrum, and the stars coming undone.


I would not call this a sonnet, precisely becuse it does not have the rhyme-scheme of a sonnet, as Lynn pointed out. however, perhaps a "Cowboy Sonnet" has its own unique form, just like you do!

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Beautiful modern sonnet, Ron, complete with a rhyming end-couplet. I absolutely went berzerk with jealously that I didn't think of the "blue coat" line.

[mfwilkie]

The wind wears November like an old blue coat *Great line, Ron.
and sings the air into falling leaves;

it rattles branches in a turquoise sky,
whispering cool daylight into the setting sun.*

* Ron, I'd move this line and make it your second verse.
It seems to complete your opening line. Reading the draft
a few times, you might want to take out the sunset, and consider using daylight and whisper, something like:

The wind wears November like an old blue coat
rearranging daylight as/while it whispers to the sun.
Rearranging's not exactly the right word, but I think you get what I'm urging you towards. Maybe compromising daylight.

I think these two lines should be developed together to complete the image I think you're going for in the opening stanza.

it rattles branches in a turquoise sky,
and sings the air into falling leaves;

What if you opened this next line with:

And here I stand
in the center of its autumn-ending tune
as it presses hurtful/empty notes along my skin.

Maybe say
a taste of winter music
reminding me that you’re gone—

Not sure exactly what the small, blue flame means in the this line, Cowboy.

Could it be written this way?
the small blue flame that a night of winter weaves.

I never dreamed I’d lose you,
never knew the winter stars starry skies could come undone.

You can do some interesting things with repitition in the next part, Ron.

Who’ll bring me through December now;
who'll guide me through the rough to follow?
Who'll hold my hand and lead this Oklahoma heart to spring? springtime once again?

I wonder why the chorus is always sounds so damned sad;
if Chris LeDoux was singing, I wouldn’t feel this bad.

All this messing and you end up with a much tighter sonnet of uneven line lengths, a more even tone and stronger imagery.
And yes, I'm pushing you, because I think it needs to sound more musical. Not meter-wise, just wind-wise, some more rhythm added to your verses.

It's a good draft, Ron, and has a lot of potential. This is all my
inspired V, so toss out whatever doesn't work for you.

The wind wears November like an old blue coat
rearranging daylight
as/while it whispers to the sun,
and rattles branches in a turquoise sky,
and singingthe air into falling with end-of- season leaves.
And here I stand
in the center of its autumn-ending tune
as it presses hurtful/empty notes along my skin.
Who’ll bring me through December now;
who'll guide me through the rough to follow?
Who'll hold my hand and lead
this Oklahoma heart to spring? springtime once again?

I wonder why the its melody chorus is always sounds/is so damned sad;
if Chris LeDoux was singing, I wouldn’t feel this bad.

I really the ending couplet.

Mags

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Just wanted to run this through again. I gues the rhymes not working as it is, huh?

[Tina (Firefly)]

Hey Ron, I noticed that David called this a "modern" sonnet -- I'm not exactly sure what that implies, but obviously a totally different meter than the Shakespearean sonnets. Here's the deal though, my friend: I LOVE THIS!! Your images are totally stunning.. and the sentiment is simply perfect. I would not change anything. Not for my ear, or heart. Tina

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

I broke a promise here. *hangs her head in shame* I'm sorry. Very busy time of year. I think the rhymes you have are so far apart. I still need to sit down and play. If we can get a couple of slant rhymes in there and get the rhymes closer together, I think it would improve upon the overall flow of it. Maggie has some good thoughts on it, maybe trimmed a little too much though. I really do promise this weekend sometime I'll come and play a bit with it.

Hugs and love and tell Jane hello.

[MichaelFirewalker]

I never dreamed I'd lose you...I never dreamed I'd lose you...I never dreamed I'd lose you.........amen.

michael

[ramadevi]

ON second read, i detect a few subtle rhymes but they are so subtle and far apart that i did not hear their harmonies while reading the first time.

Still, i think this poem is perfeft as is and you can call it a sonnet or not, dear cowboy of great talent and strong poetic voice!

Let me add that i also wish I wrote that stunning first line!
Love this!

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Sterling images....amazing what the wind can do in the fertile mind of a poet.
Rhyming couplet a treat from you.

[alfredo]

occasionally a peice stands above others ...just as this one does

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Ron, I must have subconsciously lifted "rattled-branches" and inversed it for my latest. I just revisited this and wondered if it stuck with me to the point that my mind regurgitated it.