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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Dec 14, 2007 14:14:16 GMT -5
young gull
still speckled brown
wanders cold sand-
cloned dunes
with plaintive cries
he follows mother
her adult lines drawn
sharp white and gray
she ignores his gull tears
each time he nears
she bobs away
time after time after time
all through his miserable
junior gull day
he must learn
why
what spurned
means
he must find
hope
on his own
and how
to live his life
alone
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Post by wavemaker9 (Rick D.) on Dec 14, 2007 15:38:06 GMT -5
Life's a beach. You go gull!
Lv u, Rick
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Dec 15, 2007 13:20:19 GMT -5
ooooo, Rick.....you is soooo goood !!!
michael
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Post by sandpiper on Dec 15, 2007 16:15:44 GMT -5
aww, the poor thing...
the only part that threw me a little was the "he must learn why what spurned means"
It begged me to read it like that. and I had a stumble because of it. I've tried to think of a fix without punctuation or capitalizing the What, and couldn't think of anything because you've already placed the pause in there. so I'm not sure this is much help, but thought I'd let you know where I slipped.
Could picture the entire thing, and of course felt strongly for the little guy.
well done.
-piper
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Dec 15, 2007 16:35:20 GMT -5
no, I agree with you, piper----there's this sort of point where you fall through the rule for either using punctuation or not using it at all, which is the rule----problem is, in this poem, I would like to use that one comma only, but the rules won't alllow for that----s'why I usually don't follow rules...
thanks, dearheart,
michael
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pelos
EP Gold 1000 Posts Plus
My heart to joy at the same tone And all I lov'd - - I loved alone.
Posts: 1,020
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Post by pelos on Mar 15, 2008 14:44:12 GMT -5
Heart sinking, sullen - me thinks, well done.
Pelos
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antman
EP Gold 750 Posts Plus
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Posts: 958
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Post by antman on Mar 17, 2008 7:44:54 GMT -5
I found this senerio interesting for the reader
also you painted the scene with perfection.
Grand job my friend.
"To punct. or not to punct.
Oh hell, I just think I'll
drop back and punt!"
anthony
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Mar 17, 2008 13:47:10 GMT -5
Good title for this ode to separation. It's usually not like this with us humans.......not for awhile anyway...it's hold 'em close then let 'em go.
You painted a clear visual. Only thing that bumped me a little, and I think you can remedy it quite easily:
young gull
still speckled brown
wanders cold,
sand-cloned dunes (if that is your intended connotation)
I read it at first as cold sand.
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Mar 17, 2008 14:14:31 GMT -5
delighted you dug the scene, Anthony----it's not a easy one, but real----and I agree with you about punting the punct!----thing is, we all read things differently, placing empasis in varuing places, so the poet's just got to punct it like he sees it...
hugs,
michael
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Mar 17, 2008 14:25:08 GMT -5
Jon----it blesses the hell outa me that you have shared what you see as the way it is for most humans:
"It's usually not like this with us humans.......not for awhile anyway...it's hold 'em close then let 'em go."
it's just that a lot of folks don't know about that close family stuff----your experience with it is rich, and peace-filled----but for me, that's not how it was----for me, it was a constant state of war----so I don't see family like you do-----and I suspect there are far more people on this planet who have never experienced being held close by their families than there are those who have----interesting to think about, anyway...
many hugs,
michael
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antman
EP Gold 750 Posts Plus
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Posts: 958
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Post by antman on Mar 17, 2008 20:13:37 GMT -5
My thought,
I find it interesting how oft nature mimics human life,
in this case yes, there are those that have to be treated
rough in order to survive. One of those laws in nature and
one of those laws in the city to grow up street-wise.
It's not my intent to turn this into a thread but thought
this interesting enough to comment on.
peace and love to you both,
anthony
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Mar 18, 2008 17:04:16 GMT -5
Anthony----I have thought on that particular point many hours of my life----had an autocratic father who thought the rougher he treated me, the better I'd turn out----didn't work out too well----still carry anger from that----it sneaks up on me when I ain't lookin', when I'm off guard, or when anyone tries to control me----bad stuff...
but rough is not the same as tough----tough rules set boundaries in which we can relax and grow, but roughness violates us, and kills the soul...anyone who tries to control your mind, especially those religious autocrats, will kill your soul too if you let them...
religions, especially the old-line, hierarchical religions, create personalities particular to the religion----many of them are tyrannical personalities and don't even recognize they are tyrants...
pity the inflexible ones among us, the ones who feel they have to control you, or they take their marbles home and won't play with you anymore, won't resolve conflict, or negotiate, or even speak to you, who reject your attempts at reconciliation----they are the worst kind, the controllers who control with silence----silence like that is a terrible evil----it is cold----it is hate...
that was what my father did----after he got bored with roughing me up physically, and it didn't work, he used silence, permanently and completely ignoring me, witholding his approval, disapproved of me in every way he indirectly could, witheld his rare affection, his love----that didn't work either, at least as far as he was concerned, anyway----I just left him alone after that----never cried a tear when he died his long and horrible death...
but I paid, and I'm still paying, for being who and what I am...
michael
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pelos
EP Gold 1000 Posts Plus
My heart to joy at the same tone And all I lov'd - - I loved alone.
Posts: 1,020
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Post by pelos on Mar 20, 2008 13:20:35 GMT -5
You have a penned the very core of most in this world - to chase
after what we want or what we think we want
only to be thwarted at every turn and find our own way.
It leaves those deep sensitive souls in place where we
turn to anything that takes the intense sting of pain away.
Stunning portrayal - firewalker - loves it still - can relate.
pelos
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