Tacet (e2)

[sandpiper]

There she stood,
ominous,
though a wild thing,
no more reserved
than a petulant child-
with hands on hips.
A stomp of the foot
stakes her claim; a little patch
of our sacred ground.

In disbelief we watched
as she eased between
crumbled walls,
over the broken pieces
she'd pick up, to
bounce them off her palm-
then let them fall again.

Yes, Silence stood proud
amongst the ruins
of our song.





version 1

There she stood,
a wild thing,
though no more reserved
than a petulant child-
hands on hips, a stomp of the foot
to stake her claim;
her little patch
of sacred ground.
In disbelief we watched
her trod behind the crumbled walls,
over broken pieces
to pick up one or two,
bounce them off her hand-
let them fall.
Yes, silence stood proud
amongst the ruins
of our song.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hi Piper.

One quick thought:

to stake her claim;
her little patch (a little patch)
of sacred ground.

[mfwilkie]

Hi piper,

After reading this a few times, I think it needs clearer action, images with energy.

Here are some thoughts:


There she stood,
a our wild thing,
though no more reserved
than
a one petulant child-
emphasizing her position
with hands on hips, or something like:
emphatic hands on five fear old hips.
a she stomped of the a foot
to stake herand staked her claim
her to a little patch
of sacred ground.

In disbelief we watched
her trod behind the time-crumbled/time's crumbled walls,
over broken discovering pieces fit
to pick up one or two,
she to bounced them off her from palm to palm
then let them fall.

In your ending here, the connection to a song is vague.

Yes, silence stood proud
amongst the ruins
of our song.

Maggie

[sandpiper]

ok, Thank you both of you, I'll play and try to make it better. I made a few changes now, so let me know if they help at all or make it worse...
I'm trying to get out of sonnet mode and having a heck of a time doing it. slowly but surely. :-)
Thanks,
piper

[mfwilkie]

I like this much better, piper.

Where you are is much clearer.

I'm going mull your changes for a bit, but a think right off the bat, you might take 'our' from in front of sacred ground.

Nice first revision.

Maggie

[mfwilkie]

I like this much better, piper.

Where you are is much clearer.

I'm going mull your changes for a bit, but think right off the bat, you might take 'our' from in front of sacred ground.

And you might think about adding 'with' to the stomp line and giving her foot a modifier, something like, impatient.

Nice first revision.

Maggie

[David Nelson Bradsher]

I agree, Piper. I like it better in the new version, but there are a couple of things I may want to look at again. I'll be back.

David

[ramadevi]

I really like the twist at the end...i expected an animal, or some strange being, and found only silence! LOL

I like the line breeak you added before the closing. The other edits are also well chosen.

I would consider another line break after ground. in line 9...to my ear i hear a pause there. But that may be just me.

Love the innovative idea here.

A very good write.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I like what you've done with the revision, Piper. I think it works; I might change "stood tall" back to "stood proud" just to avoid the standing tall cliche (This coming from the king and chief defender of cliche) Good piece of writing. Ron

[sandpiper]

Thanks everyone,
I contemplated the line break after ground, so I'm adding that now, rama, and Ron, I'll change that back, thanks!
mags, I'm thinking on the our... I had added it to tighten the reference to our song at the end. so, now, I'm not sure... pondering...
I appreciate all of your comments, Thanks!
-piper

[MichaelFirewalker]

it is still unclear to me who/what the subject is----that's why I didn't comment on it earlier----Mags seems to think it's your child, but that not what you say with "no more reserved than a petulant child", as if it's not a child----so I don't know at all how how to understand it without any background context...

michael

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Good metaphor and personification, piper.
In S2L6..my ear hears:

"...she'd pick up, to
bounce them off her palm-
then let them fall again.

(more of a rising and falling cadence.)

Edit gives more pause for reflection. I prefer it to the original.

[LynnDoiron]

enjoyed. no nits -- just best wishes for the rest of this millenium. lynn

[johnnysaturn]

Strong poem; packs a great punch at the finale.