Closing Time, Sunset Strip, 1986

[David Nelson Bradsher]

The amped-up good-time hunters cruise about,
shouting excessive diatribes from cars,
blurring down Hollywood past sidewalk stars
for burgers at the Highland In and Out;

but Sunset magnets, lit to tempt the dim,
pull scores of lemmings to assorted clubs,
loaded with coke and smoke and crushed-out stubs,
and busy bathroom stalls for Her and Him.

Gay, straight, androgynous: they all converge
to taste the flesh of neon Babylon,
a place to get that fix or get it on,
to scratch an itch or match a sordid urge.

Some leave their cars, half-high, succumb to cabs,
bum rides from friends, or stagger in the street;
one ends his night, his life, beneath a sheet,
a toe-tagged reveler with perfect abs.

[mfwilkie]

The amped-up good-time hunters cruise about,
shouting for more (or more than that) from cars
blurring down Hollywood past sidewalk stars
for burgers at the Highland In and Out;

but Sunset magnets, lit to tempt the dim,
pull lure scores of blinded lemmings to the clubs,*
filthy with coke and smoke and crushed-out stubs,
and busy bathroom stalls for Her and Him.
* Do you need the in this line, D?

Gay, straight, androgynous: they all converge
to taste the flesh of neon Babylon,
a place to get that fix or get it on,
to scratch an itch, or crack a fledgling* urge.
*What if you used 'free a freshman urge' instead of 'crack a fledgling urge'.
My ear would be sooooooo happy!

Some leave their cars, half-high, succumb to cabs,
bum rides from friends, or stagger in the street;
one ends his night, his life, beneath a sheet,
a toe-tagged reveler with perfect abs.

(or more than that). This is one of those places to deepen meaning... push yourself!
I'm taking Wilbur to work!

Love ya,

Mags

[MichaelFirewalker]

this is terrific, David!!----am real glad yer goin' bad----it's charmingly written, but with a perfect kick-in-the-teeth right at its denoument----and mebbe it'd be a kick ta have a palaver on that veritable, old subject, androgyny...

love ya,
michael

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Terribly (beautifully) ironic last line.
In S3L4...any possibility of substituting a different adjective (burning) for "freshman"? It gave me a slight bump......

I like "to taste the flesh of neon Bablyon...." Crystal clear image.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Thank you, Michael, Mags, and Jonathan.

Jon, I'll see what I can do. That sequence has been a bit of a thorn for me.

[mfwilkie]

D,

Just read jon's suggestion which fits the line. For conversation sake (and please join in, jon)
I tied the fledgling to the guy with the perfect abs. A first timer who wasn't lucky.

It might be an interesting point to talk about.

Mags

[sandpiper]

I do like what you've created here.
the neon, the toe tag, very well done! I agree with the issue of freshman, fledgling, and burning, I prefer the burning, but, maybe there's some word that would tie the two together, the young and the fire. I'll think, and let you know if I come up with anything. what's a young fire called? hmmm....

Very well writ!
-piper

[David Nelson Bradsher]

How about kindling? Sounds like a young fire, doesn't it?

Thanks for the time, all.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

would kindled work better there, David? I'm not fond of kindling

[David Nelson Bradsher]

I do believe it would, JL. Thanks.