Your Russian Rage---revised

[MichaelFirewalker]

REVISED

molten glass floods this heart
reforms it a spyglass turning in to
contemplate furnaces future and past
always attacked with those deep blues and blacks
you choose for collages on rust mixed thick with webbed
dust from legions of russians spread in dead red
laid out in shame on poorly marked paths
where history flames with russ wars
spirals of hesitant steps as sharp
with wrath as ever before

sight through this trashed bottle-glass
now filled with hot sorrow
presents for clear view your blind
grope through tomorrow

it leads you to places you
never would consciously go
if you knew what you do

but already El Shaddai
has forgiven you




ORIGINAL

molten glass floods this heart
reforms it a spyglass that turns itself
to contemplate the furnace of future and past
always attacked with the deep blues and blacks
you choose for collages on rust mixed thick with webbed
dust from generations of russians spread in dead red
and laid out in shame on the poorly marked paths
where your long histories flame with russ wars
that spiral in hesitant steps now as broken
with wrath as ever before

sight through this trashed bottle-glass filled with hot sorrow
presents for clear view your blind grope through tomorrow

it leads you to places you never would
consciously go
if you knew what you do

but already El Shaddai
has forgiven you

[antman]

Wow there is a lot here to digress
I think some other word choices or
similes to enhance some of the visuals
would work this piece into the raw and
hard where it wants to be, would be my
offering. I like the way you mellow it out
at the end. Here's how it would read and
grab me with the few adjustments.

molten glass floods this heart (I love this line!)
reforms it (I feel a line break here is needed)
a spyglass that turns itself
to peek (peer) inside the furnace of the future and past
always attacked with the deep blues and the blacks
you choose for collages on rust mixed thick (line break here)
with webbed dust from lost generations of
russ spread in dead red
and laid out in shame on the poorly marked paths
where your long histories flame (burn) with the wars
that spiral your hesitant steps as broken (sharp)
with wrath as ever before

sight (spy) through this trashed bottle-glass
filled with hot sorrow
presents for clear view(of ) your blind grope through tomorrow

it leads you to places you never would
consciously go
if you knew what you do

although
already El Shaddai
has forgiven you

as I also do


Some powerful
under-lying stuff here Michael.

Peace be to you,
anthony

[mfwilkie]

I like this, Mick.

Here are some thoughts on a bit of re-organization to rev up its energy and get rid of its excess.

Love the Voice. And i think you nailed it.

A very Merry Third Day of Christmas to you, my friend!

Mags

molten glass floods this heart
reforms it as a spyglass that turns itself
to peek view inside the furnace
of the future and past
always attacked with the deep blues
and the blacks you choose for collages— on
rust mixed thick with webbed dust from
lost generations of russ spread in dead red
and laid out in shame on the poorly marked paths
where your long histories flame with the wars
that spiral your hesitant steps as broken
with wrath as ever before

sight through
this trashed bottle-glass filled with hot sorrow
presents for clear view your blind grope
through tomorrow

it leads you to places you would never
consciously go if you knew what you do

although already El Shaddai
has forgiven you

as I also do

[MichaelFirewalker]

Anthony, thank you for the wonderful helps!----am still revising this one on another site----just got here and put the revision up, and read your notes, which are excellent...

really like peer, and will consider changing it again...

I see why you like the line break after reforms----it IS clearer that way, but I want to leave it all on one line, even if it's a bit clumsy, because of the form of the poem...

also like flame better than burn----but is flame wrong?

also like sharp, and will use...

think sight works better than spy, because it is the sight that "presents for clear view your blind grope through tomorrow"...

blessings,
michael