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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Dec 30, 2007 15:20:32 GMT -5
the one I love
is pain
when skies
part
cold clouds
dark
with falling rain
I pace
her cliff’s edge
stare
down her dead
face
of rage
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Dec 31, 2007 9:33:33 GMT -5
Michael, I wonder if this would work better with no punctuation.
This is a poem of triumph. Keep it up.
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 3, 2008 13:29:12 GMT -5
Hi, Jon----well, I tried it without punctuation, but it needs clarifying in a couple spots, so I did that with the commas----and, I know if you use any punctuation at all, you have to punctuate the whole thing, which does look funny in this tiny poem----but the commas were necessary, so there you have it...
thanks,
michael
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Post by Jo Lynn Ehnes on Jan 4, 2008 14:39:45 GMT -5
Sweetheart, I'm not sure it needs the commas. I like it running down the page without them, I think you can read it okay that way
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 4, 2008 14:52:33 GMT -5
okay...will remove them...
michael
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Post by syzygy73 on Jan 4, 2008 15:12:31 GMT -5
Ilike this a lot- for two specific reasons-
one, the lack of punctuation gives it a precarious feel, as a reader we actually experience the cliff's edge,
and secondly (although really an extension of the above)
the contrast between the brevity of the poem, the few words- and the enormity of the theme.
A great write Michael
Rob
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 4, 2008 16:23:51 GMT -5
thanks, Rob...I never would have thought of that cliff thing...
michael
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Post by johnnysaturn on Jan 4, 2008 18:53:27 GMT -5
Bare and powerful.
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