Twice A Child

[dcpottsmd]

Toddling brought love’s laughter;
now, stumbling, its tears.

Joy at baby’s bites
flees aspiration’s silent scream.

Pride for first words spoken
empties, fades beneath aphasia’s stare.

And tonight
you left the cradle of our songs
to rock again in Mama’s arms.

[mfwilkie]

This piece too, Danny, is very tight and controlled.

A couple of suggestions:

This line makes its statement without the need for 'frightfully'

Joy at baby’s bites
frightfully flees aspiration’s silent scream.

And here, empties, followed with a comma, works better in sustaining the tone.

Pride for first words spoken
emptily empties, fades beneath aphasia’s stare.

Maggie

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

And still he is with you, Danny............Powerful

[dcpottsmd]

Thanks, Maggie. I like it. But see if you think I can just leave off "fades" all together. Thanks, also, Jonathan. You are right.
Danny

[mfwilkie]

I kind of liked the slight pause 'fades and the comma give you, Danny. It breaks up a predictable rhythm.
It also gives you nice emphasis and lift on the word 'empties'.

If you haven't already read it out loud, try it. Both ways.
And see if you hear what my ear is hearng.

Happy New Year to you and yours, Danny.

Maggie

[dcpottsmd]

Maggie,
You are right, I like it this way. Many thanks!.
Danny