A Flash e1

[sandpiper]

A flash - a galaxy expands
in nautilus seashell spirals; imbues
life into the blood of man,

to dance upon a spider's thread,
flipflop backwards into a garden bed;
have a spear of sunlight pierce you straight through.

Were we to read the memoirs of a drop of dew.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hi Piper-

I like the economy of this one, but a little bit of the meter seemed irregular to me. Please forgive my intrusion, but how about this:

A flash - a galaxy expands
in nautilus seashell spirals to imbue
life into the veins of man.

To dance upon a spider's thread,
flipflop back into a garden bed;
have a piercing spear of sun to run you through.

Were we to read the memoirs of a drop of dew.

Of course, I like it as it is, but I feel I should give you your time's worth here by at least offering another view, too. I hope my suggestion doesn't change intent.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Piper,
The two verses reflect galaxies of difference. If you are using them to that end, great.

After reading this several times, I thought to myself

To dance upon a spider's thread,
flip-flop backwards into a garden bed;
have a spear of sunlight pierce straight through...
were we to read the memoirs of a drop of dew.

This is so perfect standing alone, so simple and beautiful.

Verse 2 as it stands is not a sentence, so I'd omit the period
and drop the cap (were)

Just my feeling. I like the imagery in S1, but it's more complex than S2. I can't tell you how pure that second stanza is.........
I love it alone.........

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Actually they work together for me. I do like David's suggestion of using expands but I think blood is important there and I agree with John's suggestion on dropping you and just saying pierce straight through.

I like it mucho

[MichaelFirewalker]

you guys are all so good, as you skillfully move within precise lattices of poetic form, balance and grace, giving useful, workable advise to our lovely piper----and here I come along to this, determined to do that too, but immediately get wisked off into the glories of sacred geometry, and the fibonacci-based designs of the nautilus shell, which just happen to lay out the same mathematical forms used in the construction of the entire material universe----and I know piper likely knows all that already and so I have not helped her at all, while she, on the other hand, has blessed michael enormously...

thank you, piper,
michael

[sandpiper]

Thank you David, Jon, JL and Michael, I'll see what I can do given all your responses.
I appreciate!
-piper

[johnnysaturn]

There is some marvellous language in this- the first stanza in particular is dazzling. I do have a problem with the last line which reads like a shock ending- fine maybe for a novel but maybe not so apt for a poem destined for re-reading. I personally would have put the conceit into the title and called it eg "Memoirs of a dewdrop" which would then require a little reworking of the body of the poem.

But what do I know?

[LynnDoiron]

this is kind of gorgeous, piper. my least favorite word in the piece is "imbue" -- only because it seems less in step with the rest of the piece (imbue is elevated, somehow and miles away from flipflop, for instance). i really liked the surprise of memoir in the end, but johnnysaturn's comment makes me think it might be better as title.

either way, much enjoyed. my kind of stuff.

lynn

[Tina (Firefly)]

enjoyed this, piper! I think it could be revised a tad, and like many of David's suggestions. The one spot which bothers me a bit is "in nautilis seashell spirals.." It seems to me that you might leave out the word "seashell" for both the meter and the implied spiral pattern which seems duplicated with the use of both words as description. Whew! Anyhow, the content here is grand. Thanks for something so intersting!! Tina