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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 8, 2008 13:20:23 GMT -5
Revision
Irretrievable Flame
He stamped the ground with soles of muddied leather,
then left the woods by an ascending path
into the naked lanes of westward weather,
trembling and red with cold; unwarmed by wrath.
She’d left him, stranded with the dogs and cats
inside a house of scattered bric-a-brac,
designer dresses, racks of shoes, and hats,
and words that spat, “I'm never coming back!”
He thought, You won't be leaving, though, you bitch.
Your lover showed last night, and wasn’t he
surprised to join you in a waiting ditch
and not a cozy cottage by the sea?
He trudged his path, looked back—the lines were blurred
between his mad descent, and love interred.
Original
Irretrievable Flame
He stamped the ground with soles of muddied leather,
then left the forest by a wayside path
into the naked lanes of westward weather,
trembling and red with cold; unwarmed by wrath.
She’d left him, stranded with the dogs and cats
inside a house of scattered bric-a-brac,
designer dresses, racks of shoes, and hats,
and words that spat, “I'm never coming back!”
He thought, You won't be leaving, though, you bitch.
Your lover showed last night, and wasn’t he
surprised to join you in a waiting ditch
and not a cozy cottage by the sea?
He turned around. The mist, and distance, blurred
where Love had died, been sacked, and then interred.
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Jan 8, 2008 13:29:49 GMT -5
As usual, David, I cannot find anything at all to change.. what is keeping you from publication>+?? Your work is always top notch; the best part of it, though, is not just the perfect rhyme and meter--the best part is the genius way you have of smoothly incorporating your intention. Great work!! Tina
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 8, 2008 13:56:46 GMT -5
and the blood-rose opens, sure, slow, and infinitely fragrant...
michael
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 9, 2008 6:53:27 GMT -5
Tina, thank you so much for the kind words.
Michael, thank you.
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Ron Buck (halfshell)
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EP Word Master and Published Member
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Post by Ron Buck (halfshell) on Jan 9, 2008 10:21:10 GMT -5
man... it may not be appropriate... but I just keep laughing out loud! you just kicked the can for me. thanx a bundle
tidings
ron
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Post by ramadevi on Jan 9, 2008 10:51:56 GMT -5
Awesome closing, it had me laughing too, precisely because your genuis accomplishes just what Tina alluded to. First class work, as usual, David.
The closing couplet manages to synchronize a subtle wit with emotional agony.
Even though the scene is cold and forlorn, the details so cleverly rhymed and timed combined with your closing (genius) line give this piece a hilarity i cannot put my finger on! The title is HOT!
Internal rhymes work beautifully to create a musical movement in your meter.
Top Notch indeed!
Kudos.
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Jan 9, 2008 11:05:15 GMT -5
Great story. I had to go backwards to the first line to catch the full meaning. Good opening stanza, not revealing the burial to come.Title added to the pleasure...... Much enjoyed.
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 9, 2008 12:59:34 GMT -5
Whew!
Thanks to Tina, Michael, Ron, Rama, and Jon for accepting this piece with the ironic flavor intended. I wanted a full circle sonnet here.
David
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 9, 2008 14:28:51 GMT -5
D, Look at the two opening lines and then at the couplet.
He stamped the ground with soles of muddied leather,
then left the forest by a wayside path
He turned around. The mist, and distance, blurred
where Love had died, been sacked, and then interred.
Maggie
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 9, 2008 14:39:28 GMT -5
Yes, but my visual image is him looking back into the woods, down the path. Is it a problem, do you think? I like the slant of mist/distance.
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 9, 2008 14:45:08 GMT -5
Mags----I don't understand what you are saying to David----help me understand too?
mick
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 9, 2008 20:37:22 GMT -5
He turned around. The mist, and distance, blurred
where Love had died, been sacked, and then interred.
I'm thinking the language could be, and maybe should be, a bit more theatrical because of what's happened in the body of the poem.
Maybe something like:
He turned to look where mist and distance blurred,
where love had died.
'been sacked, and then interred' seems more a repitition of what's happened in the last stanza than an overall summation of the piece.
I was thinking maybe the last line should address his understanding of love. I don't know, something like:
He turned to look and knew his love had blurred;
he knew at last/this once, the meaning of the word.
You'll figure it out.
Great middle stanza, btw.
Mags
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 9, 2008 22:08:38 GMT -5
Thanks, Mags, but I'm not really feeling that. I'll think on it.
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 10, 2008 1:08:58 GMT -5
I'm not either, but you know the art of the couplet.
Your original isn't doing it for me.
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Post by Sherry Thrasher on Jan 10, 2008 8:28:21 GMT -5
I don't know, Magpie. This works for me and I'm not sure about theatrical either. Seems they got their due. David, just for fun, here is one I wrote awhile back. Seems we southerners know how to bury our problems...  The Knock Out I know your simple minds'a guessin' It's time to teach another lesson; But not today, I've had enough To tell the truth, you ain't so tough. You raise your fists, I'll raise mine back, I'm tired of this, you get no slack, For honey this, or baby that- I'll take you on, straight to the mat. You blew it , guy, but never worry I'll make it quick, I'm in a hurry To finish this, you'll get your fight; I'll take you out, you know I'm right. I've held this back against my will, But see it's time for over-kill So take your stand, but you should know, I aim to kill and then I go. Forgive me while I shift my skirt And brush away a little dirt, Expecting lite, he got a stout; He drank it down, I took him out. Now listen up, you heard me straight, I did it quick, why hesitate To give a dose of what he gave, I shot him down, then dug his grave. Sherry |
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 10, 2008 11:13:41 GMT -5
Nice one, Sherry.  Mags, I have two other ideas, and I'll put them together and post to see which ones people like better. |
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Post by sandpiper on Jan 10, 2008 13:01:25 GMT -5
ahhhh, I wasn't expecting that....
and it must be something the bible belts, we all have easy access to shovels, and picks, I think, I've got one too. lol, a ridiculous sonnet from a couple years ago, but they're dead and buried, just like a good southern love story.
For this, first of all, love it.. secondly, I think possibly, it might be "the love", "the mist", "the died", it seems loose. It works, don't get me wrong, but it might pack a "punchier" punch with different word choices there.
The turn is awesome, even how you took the light "ah" sound rhymes and flipped them into more powerful words-- the curse and the "long e's". love that.
maybe something like
"He glanced around, surprised the lines had blurred
where love had come, been sacked and then interred."
But, I still don't think that's really "right" either... You post your ideas and I'll hush.
:-)
-piper
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 10, 2008 13:49:36 GMT -5
Thank you, Piper. I have two ideas that I'm trying to put together, but they're expecting me to work today. The nerve... |
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 10, 2008 15:30:26 GMT -5
you guyz iz awesome!
mick
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 10, 2008 16:04:58 GMT -5
Possible revision up. Thanks all.
David
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Post by sandpiper on Jan 10, 2008 17:29:13 GMT -5
I'm typing away over here, but not really making any sense today. So, I'm going to stop and come back later, I like the revision, much better, brings it home. I'm just not completely sold on "mad descent" I'll think a bit and be back.
ps no matter what I say here it's still 1000 times better than my attempt at the subject, I'll pm that to you.
-piper
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