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Post by johnnysaturn on Jan 11, 2008 5:30:36 GMT -5
You in de room
lookin' lak a strangah
lyin' into time
wid dat painin' lipstick
dem outre boots
you don' see me
three clueless guys
surround you
laughin' at yo lines
de ones you carved
outta yo letters o' luv
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 11, 2008 5:34:01 GMT -5
Oh, I like this, too!
I'm thinking a line break after boots, John.
Maggie
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 11, 2008 6:35:36 GMT -5
I agree with Mags on a line break after boots.
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Post by johnnysaturn on Jan 11, 2008 7:07:02 GMT -5
Your wishes=my command.
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 11, 2008 7:25:56 GMT -5
Now that I read it with the line break and more tea, I'm thinking 'you don't see me' should be on a line by itself. It gives the reader a terrific pause in the middle to savor the piece's rhythm.
You in de room
lookin' lak a strangah
lyin' into time
wid dat painin' lipstick
dem outre boots
you don' see me
three clueless guys
surround you
laughin' at yo lines
de ones you carved
outta yo letters o' luv
Maggie
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Post by johnnysaturn on Jan 11, 2008 8:35:09 GMT -5
I am persuaded. The power of tea! Better than sex and certainly more readily obtainable.
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 11, 2008 15:49:21 GMT -5
well now, mah frin, yu shorely is a fun trip!
michael
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