Paper Bag Poem #77/revision

[mfwilkie]

First Revision

Cloud-blurred blue. I see this sky.
See its cumulus burden forced on by
hidden winds. I'm sitting in a chair
inside a room and find this sky.
The chair is brown, smells of new.

Inside this room, inside the music
of a rainy afternoon, I find this sky,
and other things.



Original Draft

Cloud-blurred blue. I see this sky.
See its cumulus burden forced on by
hidden winds from this chair inside
this room. A leather chair. Brown.
New. I see sky from a brown leather
chair inside a room inside the music
of a rainy afternoon.

Open or closed, my eyes find clouds,
and other things.

[sandpiper]

I like this little circular cumulus flight of thought,
I think possibly just "A leather chair" instead of "It's a leather chair",
other than that, no suggestions, I like. a lot.
-piper

[MichaelFirewalker]

okay, you win, I like...

mike

[mfwilkie]

Good eye, piper. I just re-read this and went What the h___ did I do there?

Talk about hurting your own ears.

Thanks.

Maggie

[mfwilkie]

Thanks, Mick, I think the first revision is closer to what I'm going for.

Mags